


WHAT I KNOW (what happened in asylum)

by alpha_al



Category: Homeland
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-14
Updated: 2021-01-28
Packaged: 2021-03-09 18:00:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 22
Words: 33,129
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27560395
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alpha_al/pseuds/alpha_al
Summary: “What is this?” she asks, holding up the notebook.“This... is yours.” he says simply.She looks at the first page where it is written “WHAT I KNOW”.COMPLETED
Relationships: Carrie Mathison/Yevgeny Gromov, Carrie/Yevgeny
Comments: 170
Kudos: 239





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone!  
>   
> This is my new story about Carrie/Yevgeny relationship, post season 8. This story will have multi chapters and I will update it frequently.
> 
> I want to thank all the C/Y writers and fans for the wonderful stories and comments they have written so far. This one's for YOU. 
> 
> I don’t want to spoil more, keep reading this. Enjoy it :)

It is Monday morning. Carrie is still sleeping when she hears the doorbell ringing. She pushes herself up on her elbows, blinking sleep, focusing on the table clock. 

It is 7.10 AM. Who is in this time, she thinks. She gets up lazily and steps into the door.

“да ( _Yes_ )?” she asks behind the door.

“It is me!” she hears Yevgeny’s voice from the other side.

Carrie wonders what he is doing on her doorstep at seven o’clock in the morning. She drags a hand through her hair, shoving it back out of her eyes, and opens the door.

“Good morning!”, he says with a wink.

“Good morning!”, she says back sleepy, “Come inside.”

He passes the doorstep and comes in, looking at her.

“Is something up?” she asks worriedly when she closes the door behind him.

“No”, he pauses, “nothing in particular.” He turns to face her. “Sorry if I wake you up...” 

“Yeah, I was sleeping, yesterday I slept very late, but anyway, no worries.” she admits. 

He follows her as she steps into the living room.

“I know it is pretty early for a visit, but I want to come here before I go to my office.” he says. They sit on the coffee table in front of each other.

"Are you okay?" Carrie asks, her eyes looking at him.

"I'm fine, but what about you?" he asks. 

Carrie tries to smile, "I've been better." she replies. "But I'll live." She can see from his eyes a little concern, but she doesn’t ask him why.

“Hey, do you want some coffee?” she offers.

“Okay, thanks”, he says quietly.

She stands up to prepare the coffee. After a few minutes she puts two coffee mugs on the table and sits in front of him.

Yevgeny takes his first sip of coffee and says “I know I never talked to you about your time in the asylum, even if I know we should. But first, I want to give you something.” 

He pulls out of his jacket pocket a little black book, like a notebook, and puts it on the table in front of her.

“I have kept it during this month that you have been here in Moscow, but I always hesitated to give it to you.” he takes a deep breath and continues “I never found the right time to do that, so this morning I decided to come right here.”

Carrie stares at him, and then at the notebook, and then back at him again. 

“What is this?” she asks, holding up the notebook.

“This... is yours.” he says simply.

She looks at the first page where it is written “ **WHAT I KNOW** ”. She takes a deep breath and she flips through the pages to try to see what it is. It's her handwriting.

“It looks like…a diary” she admits embarrassed.

“Yeah, one day I gave you this notebook, hoping you would write something intel, but you never did. Instead, you started to write on your own and then begged me to keep this to yourself.” he explains. 

Yevgeny starts to recognize a certain look in her eyes, a certain scowl or wrinkle in her forehead.

She keeps looking at the notebook. Suddenly, desperately, she wishes she could read it, that she could know all her inner thoughts and mysteries. It occurs to her that she might not want to know them. It might be about something else. She blinks and puts the notebook back on the table.

“Did you read it?” Carrie asks, guarded.

Yevgeny gives her a long stare and tilts his head, “Yes, I did. Only me, as I know.”, he paused, “I had to. It was our deal.” he tries to explain.

“What deal?”

“You could keep it but somedays I would read it.” he says.

Suddenly, the idea that she had shared with him another intimacy thing, such as her diary, washes over her mind. She doesn’t say anything. 

Yevgeny stares at her, the fear in her eyes, the way her hands have gone to fists, and shrugs “I don’t know, maybe this is a mistake, but I really hope this book helps you to find some answers for your concerns.” he says and stands up on foot.

“I have to go now”, he adds. “Thanks for the coffee.”

She remains sitting in her chair, wondering. He steps to the door and while he opens it, he turns to face her.

"And Carrie, one last thing, let's not make this more complicated than it needs to be." he says and closes the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really like to intertwine my stories with my videos. I don’t know if you guys noticed, but in this chapter I put some lines from my video here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M-x_BIpJD3Q 
> 
> I hate to make you wait for the next chapter, but I couldn’t wait to post this first chapter. I hope to post the second chapter in the next 3 days. I would love to hear your thoughts in the comments. 
> 
> Thank you! Have a nice weekend!


	2. An Alpha Down the Rabbit Hole

Carrie looks down at the small black book as if she is afraid of it. It feels all too personal, honestly. Carrie had written plenty of things before - letters, reports, memos - never once in a journal. And here she is: staring at the book on her table anxiously. 

She takes the notebook and sits down on the sofa. In a gust of bravery she opens the book and reads again that line: WHAT I KNOW. What will she know after reading this book? She closes her eyes, takes a harsh breath and starts to read the first page.

> Day unknown 
> 
> I don't know how many days I have been here, nor how many days I have still. I am going to write in this notebook what will happen each day. Yesterday when I woke up, I found myself in the hospital, where I am still now. I don’t remember how.
> 
> It has been like a nightmare. I have been out of my meds, for at least one month as I remember. 
> 
> On the first days, they interrogated me every day, sometimes they left me awake for more than 72 hours. I have not been lucid most of the time. And I remember they moved me to an asylum. 
> 
> I’m so fucking tired. I hate them and I have only one thing to say to them: Fuck you all.
> 
> I am not going to write here any names, neither mine. I’m not going to give them pleasure if they have to read this. So I will call myself here Alpha. Because I am an Alpha.

  
  


~~~~~~~~~~ _Back to the asylum_ ~~~~~~~~~~

_It was dark when Carrie woke up; She must have passed out because of dehydration. Her mouth felt dry and her throat was sore. She coughed and squinted her eyes to adjust to the darkness. She got up on her stumbling legs to turn on the lamp._

_The room went barely alight, just enough for her to see. Her windows were sealed, so she didn’t know the difference between day and night anymore. She had lost track of time and surely had lost her mind as well._

_She sunk down off against the wall, closing her eyes and letting the dread and fear take over her entire body. She tried to bang her head against the wall, the whole concept of death being frightening long forgotten._

_The only thing that dehydration and starvation gave her in return was another round of passing out._

_The room was dimly lit when Carrie woke up, her eyelids heavy and head throbbing. She woke up because of the loud banging on the door and the endless chattering behind it. She was confused for a second, her thoughts fuzzy and surroundings unclear. When the banging on the door got louder, she felt like someone also knocked on her senses, waking her up._

_“Carrie Mathison” A voice rang through the other side of the door. No no. This can’t be happening right now. “Are you inside? Come out!”_

_She kept her mouth shut, her body failing to respond. She wanted to stay here a bit longer; stay here till they come in and rid her of the little freedom and sanity that she had left. She closed her eyes, bracing herself for what was to come._

_“I want to die, please” Her voice stuttered and tears fell down her face. She never thought that she would ever want to stay in this room so desperately; that she would feel safe within these 4 walls._

_It was daunting to hear those voices outside her door. She put her hands to her ears, blocking out the loud noises. The room was spinning before her eyes and she felt like she was going crazy. Her headache intensified with each knock on the door, the latest louder and harder than the previous._

_She felt cold although her body had gotten so used to the temperature over the past weeks; the only protection against the harsh weather being a woollen shawl. Her heart felt cold rather than her skin and her mind was full of thoughts that were eating her alive. She thought of all possible ways to put a stop to all of this but it was too late now._

_And the door opened. After that, time seemed to slow down – everything happened in a blur. The voices were calling out her name, dragging her from her spot and latching onto her hands. She tried to fight it, kicking her legs back and forth –she was sure that she had injured someone in the process. She felt satisfaction as a result of that._

_She growled at the man pulling out handcuffs to bind her frail hands. She squirmed under the harsh grip of the two men that restrained her from running away or hurting someone again._

_“Let me go you fucking bastards!” Carrie yelled, her voice full of venom and desperation. She could see the smirk on their faces – their eyes shining with mirth. They were enjoying this; enjoying to see the pain being inflicted on her._

_“No, no!” Carrie thrashed her legs even harder, trying to get as far away from these people as possible. The grip on her body was too strong for the minimal amount of energy left inside of her and slowly, her efforts started to die down._

_“Please, I’m begging you.” Her voice quivered and she bit down on her lip, hot tears streaming down her face. She would do anything to make all of this stop. “Please don’t do this.” She pleaded, her voice wretched from all the yelling. Her body felt sore and she felt like she was going to pass out again._

_She heard voices in the background and felt her body being dragged away; she didn’t make an effort to fight it this time, before all she saw was black._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if this chapter was too dark, but I wanted to write something about her psychological trauma in the asylum. 
> 
> Next chapter in a few days. 
> 
> Thank you for reading and for commenting :)


	3. The Chaos of You

> Yesterday (Day 72)
> 
> I will write some entries about yesterday. 
> 
> When I woke up in the hospital I found a guest in my room. As I remember he hasn't been in my interrogations before. The last time I saw him was when I told him to go to hell. 
> 
> Well, today he told me he didn’t regret what he has done to me. He didn't say why he was here; in fact I didn't leave him to say anything.
> 
> Oh, and I will call him Omega. 1.16, 1.25, 1.51, 1.61, 2.10, 2.16, 2.27

Carrie stares at the last entry and wonders what these numbers mean. Did they mean a time? No. Maybe some coordinates? Suddenly she reminds of a game that she had done when she was young. She goes to the first page and finds the sixteenth letter: y. She goes next and finds the twenty-fifth letter: e. She finds out that what she has written was y-e-v-g-e-n-y.

  
  
  


~~~~~~~~~~ _Back to the asylum_ ~~~~~~~~~~

_Carrie woke up and her eyes navigated her surroundings. The walls were pale blue and the air reeked of alcohol and a somewhat airborne sickness that she could taste on the tip of her tongue. She screwed her face as she held her breath. Fuck sake! She was in a hospital, the one place she didn’t want to be. Death felt so welcoming, she was sure that it would embrace her with open arms but God denied her that peace. Closing her eyes, she exhaled deeply - she was just hanging in the limbo waiting to be revived, but for what purpose?_

_“Is this heaven?” she muttered to herself._

_“Depends.”_

_Carrie’s eyes darted to the corner of the room, where the man with the gravelly voice stood. Opposed to Carrie, he was dressed with black clothing whereas she was clothed in a white gown. His head hung low but his eyes peered through his eyelashes. She recognised his dark eyes, they held serenity as if by seeing her awake she’d managed to comfort him somehow. But she was in no mood to sympathise, he was the reason why she was in this bed._

_“Yevgeny.” She called his name coldly. Despite being here, wherever here was, she still remembered the torture and pain induced by him. “What are you doing here?”_

_“Waking you up,” Yevgeny explained as he approached her._

_So she glared at him, her eyes boring into his soul as if just by looking at him she’d tear it apart._

_“I understand that you might be-” he tried to apologise but Carrie didn’t want to hear it._

_“Understand?” Carrie scoffed. “The fuck do you understand? What you did to me was-” her hands began to tremble as she remembered the endless pain and suffering that he caused. She hardly got up on her feet._

_“Mathison-”_

_“What, you afraid to say my name, Yevgeny?” Carrie asked, her bloodshot eyes glowering at him as she edged forward forcing him to step back submissively. “Afraid to admit what you did to me?”_

_“I did what I had to.” he said._

_“Bullshit! You had a choice!”_

_“So did you!” he shouted._

_“I would never have read that stupid statement.”_

_He smirked. “You think I regret it? You must’ve forgotten who I am.”_

_“Oh I know who you are, you cold hearted prick!” Carrie cursed as she pushed him. “You’re a wolf and I’m your prey.”_

_Yevgeny’s eyes softened at her response. For reasons he couldn’t explain, to hear her call him a wolf, made him feel - alone._

_“So finish what you started,” she said before taking the gun sheathed in his belt and holding it beneath her chin. “Take me out of my misery.”_

_Yevgeny looked at the gun, then at her; she seemed to embrace death rather than fear it._

_Slowly, he moved closer towards her, his cold hands embracing hers as he lowered the gun away from her cheek. Her scorn gradually faded as tears streamed down her cheek, washing away the pain and hatred and replacing it with confusion._

_“Shhhh,” he soothed. His thumb gently wiped the tears away - a comfort and a tribulation._

_She closed her eyes as she melted into his touch, a natural reaction that couldn’t force herself to stop. Deep inside she missed this, being here for so long had deprived her of forming any type of affections but for some reason, she felt a slender thread connecting her to Yevgeny. Why? What did he have that she needed?_

_A mutual silence befell them, a shared understanding that neither knew what to say in this moment._

_“Carrie,” he whispered softly. He grabbed her chin, leaned down, so close she could feel his breath on her lips._

_“Yes, Yevgeny,” she answered._

_“Don’t ever take my gun again.”_

_His harsh words filled Carrie with confoundment as he turned to exit the room, his sudden absence making her yearn for him again. Watching him disappear down the hallway she tried to make sense of what just happened. Was he using her? Was this their way of tormenting her? What just happened?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, I would love to read your thoughts about this chapter :) .


	4. In His Hands

> Today (Day 73)
> 
> In the afternoon Omega came and interrogated me, but it wasn’t like the other times. He was polite and in exchange “he would  do everything for me ”. Well, I asked him if I can go outside sometime because I am so bored here. Anyway, I didn’t have any information about what he wanted. He gave me this notebook in case I remember something, but I think I will keep it for myself. 
> 
> Every minute, hour and day seems to pass by so slow here. I can hardly sleep at night and I see the same nightmares all over the time. 
> 
> I want to go home. 

  
  


~~~~~~~~~~ _Back to the asylum_ ~~~~~~~~~~

_ Carrie sat inside her room, waiting for time to pass by. She had no idea what was going on and had lost track of time completely. She sighed, lying down on the bed of her room. She stared at the white ceiling for what felt like ages.  _

_ Suddenly she heard a knock and the door  opened , and then she looked up at Yevgeny, standing idly in her doorway. _

_ “We have to talk,” he said quietly and leaned against the doorframe. _

_ “About what?”  _

__

_ “How about you start with telling me how you feel, physically?” He asked politely, his voice a bit serious but nonetheless soothing to Carrie’s ears. She sighed. _

_ “Pretty shit if I’m being honest” she said, and she was being honest. Her limbs felt really weak because of the lack of a proper diet and the sedatives that they had injected into her. _

_ “Did you get proper rest?” At this, she scoffed. What the fuck was he on? Did he seriously expect her to get proper rest in this shithole? _

_ “This is a joke right?” She asked him in mock disbelief and his response was a small smile. _

_ “No Carrie, it’s not a joke.” _

_ “ _ _ Well then, to answer your question, no I didn’t get proper fucking rest. My fucking brain isn’t working and I feel like I’m fucking dying. Happy…Yevgeny Gromov?” She leaned forward on the bed and looked at him with a cynical smirk, as if she was proud of herself. _

_ He unfolded his arms and pushed himself from the doorframe, where his shoulder was leaned against. He let out a sigh before he said “Come with me!” _

_ “Where?” _

_ “I am not asking you!” his gaze remained on her. _

_ “Yeah, alright. Just give me a damn minute.” _

_ He waited for her to stand up and to wear her shoes. He watched as she began walking towards him without a word.  _

_ They kept walking through the multiple hallways and Carrie lost count of the turns they had taken in the past couple of minutes, all the hallways were the same. _

_ Then they finally reached a door, and Carrie’s body grew taut, as she approached a room with only a table and two chairs in the middle. Her body moved away on instinct.  _

_ “Hey, it’s okay. I’m not here to hurt you.” he soothed her. Carrie gave him a nervous glance and followed him inside. _

_ He closed the door and locked it right after they came in. That’s when Carrie took a deep breath and dared to sit on the chair. _

_ “Is this an another interrogation process?” she asked nervously. _

_ “Carrie, I will ask you some questions-” he started as he paced across the room.  “I came to talk with you in the asylum, but our conversation did not take place due to certain circumstances. So you and I have the opportunity now to enjoy the pleasant company of each other in a different place," he explained. After a moment, he added, "Well, I should admit that I was somewhat rude to you yesterday." _

_ Despite her intention to keep a poker face, Carrie couldn't resist expressing genuine surprise, having heard these words.  _ _ "But I thought..." _

_ "... that you will end up in a torture chamber and I pull out of you all the information we need?" Yevgeny cut off her question, finishing it for her. Carrie noted distantly for herself that he caught on her expectations sufficiently correct. "So would you have preferred that way of interrogation? Or isn't it better for us to continue our conversation the way it goes now?" _

_ A minute passed. Carrie still was at a loss for words to respond to such an unexpected offer. She, of course, did expect nothing good from someone who had threatened her, taken her out of her meds, and locked her up in the asylum. "Anyway, I have nothing to tell you," Carrie said to him eventually, avoiding looking at him. _

_ “I haven't told you yet what might be your reward.” he said, sitting ramrod straight in the chair, in front of her. “Just give me what I want...," he added after a few seconds, "and within reasonable limits, I will do everything for you." _

_ He was right in front of her now, and again, she could not escape the strange feeling when she met his intense gaze. She shrugged. _

_ "Just tell me what can I do for you?" Yevgeny asked, this time his voice seemed softer to her for some reason.  _

_ “Let me go!” she said. _

_ "Well, as you know, it's impossible. I've just told you, ask me anything within reasonable limits," he repeated, shrugging quietly, and added, "I'm not going to lie to you."  _

_ He stared at her in silence and after a few seconds he added “Even if I let you go... the question is: Where are you going to go? You know, we are in Russia here, you could be caught again, but this time you will spend your whole life in a prison cell. Is this what you want?” _

_ For an instant that seemed to extend into forever, Carrie stood still. She forced herself to shake her head, in denial.  _ _ “Okay then, can I go outside sometimes... for a walk? she asked.  _

_ He didn't answer right away, like he wanted some time to think about what she just asked.  “Okay, I will escort you wherever you want.” he admitted. _

_ "Go ahead," she said. _

_ “Look, Carrie,” he started, leaning forward, “I need to know if there is a spy working for the CIA, here in Russia? _

_ “What, a spy?” she scoffed. “No!” she added. _

_ “We have some consideration that Saul is running an agent here inside the Kremlin. Do you know anything about that?” _

_ “No, I don’t believe that. There is no such person.” _

_ “Think about it.” he added “And what about in Cyprus? Do you have agents in Cyprus?” He asked as monotonous as possible, trying to hide his eagerness to find out more information from her. _

_ “I don’t know...” _

_ “Carrie!” he shouted. _

_ “Maybe, I don't know. I don't work anymore for the CIA.” she shouted back. _

_ He leaned back in his chair. “Look, we have two agents captured in Cyprus and if behind this are the Americans, maybe I can ask to make an exchange between you and them.” he offered and after a pause he added “So, do you have a name to give it to me?” He leaned forward, resting his arms on the table. _

_ “I don't know anything.” _

_ “Carrie, do you want to go home? Well, I am giving you your best opportunity, don't waste it.”  _

_ She is still silent. “If you need some time to think, you can take it.” he added. _

_ He took the file in front of him and started to flip through the papers. _

_ “Is this my file?” she asked him after a moment in silence. _

_ Yevgeny looked at her but didn't answer. _

_ “May I ask you something?” she added. _

_ “What?” _

_ “How many days have I been here?” _

_ “Four days.” he said after he left his answer a little too long. _

_ “Not here in hospital, in custody.” Carrie raises an eyebrow, expectant. _

_ “Carrie, I can’t give you that information.” _

_ “Please.” _

_ “I can’t, I am sorry.“  _

_ They stare at each other for a long moment. _

_ “Tell me, why did you join the CIA?” his head tilts curiously.  _

_ “Why does anyone join? Because they want to fight for humanity? Because they want to show people how courageous they are? Because they can think of no better death? Because they were forced to join? … I have my own reasons, just as you do.” _

_ She looks over the pages in front of him before she moves her gaze to him. The longer she looks at him, the more he is drawn to her. _

_ “Do you always answer every question with a damn question?” he asked. _

_ “Do you always ask so many questions?”  _

_ They stared at each other, fighting a wordless battle. Finally, Yevgeny’s gaze softened. “Okay, we are done here.” He pulled out of his pocket a notebook, and put it on the table in front of her. “If you remember something that can help us you can write on it.” he said. _

_ Carrie took the notebook and started to write on the first page: WHAT I KNOW.  _ _ He couldn't figure out if she was fooling him or she was still out of her mind. _

_ They went back to her room. Carrie sat in her bed, holding the notebook. _

_ Yevgeny shoved his hands in his pockets and stood there, uncomfortable with the knowledge that he has no idea what to do.  _ _ “Carrie-” _

_ “What?” she looked up at him. _

_ “Is there anything else I can do for you?” _

_ “Yeah, you can get out of my room.”  _

_ He really didn’t want to be dealing with this right now. " _ _ Oh… okay."  _

_ Without another word, he scurried out of the room with a slight whimper, pulling the door shut with more force than needed.  _

_ Carrie took a deep breath to calm and then  she put the notebook under her bed. _


	5. You and I Go Hard

> Day 74
> 
> Last night I didn't sleep at all. I fell asleep late in the morning until a nightmare woke me up, or exactly Omega woke me up. He offered me a walk outside, it was nice. I don’t remember the last time I have been outside. Honestly, I didn't expect it from him, because I didn't give him any information to earn something like that. 
> 
> He told me that today is my 74th day here in custody. Fuck, it has been like two years, not two month. And I panicked, I fucked it up. I’m afraid of what might happen to me now. Maybe they will lock me up in the asylum again, I’m very scared. Omega made me promise to not do it again. 
> 
> Now I’m lying in my bed but I guess even tonight I will not sleep. And my knee hurts.
> 
> 1.25, 4.3, 3.20, 4.2, 4.20, 2.10

Carrie closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. What had she done? She stares at the numbers and starts flipping through pages, to find out that what she has written in the end is e-s-c-a-p-e. Did she try to escape?

  
  


~~~~~~~~~~ _Back to the asylum_ ~~~~~~~~~~

_This time, Yevgeny found Carrie sleeping, even though it was afternoon._

_As if on cue, she shifted in her blanket with a low whine. He watched, but Carrie made no other movement. Still asleep, then. He walked by the window when he heard another whine._

_“Carrie?”_

_No answer, except for the shifting of her body under the blanket._

_“No, please don't…..please stop.” she mumbled._ _Her arm stuck out of the blanket, covering her head as if fending off a blow._

_Yevgeny came closer. He reached out to touch her, to wake her up._ _“Carrie, wake up.” He said a little louder._

_Her eyes opened. A hand darted up to grab his, holding so tight it hurts._

_“Carrie,” he tugged, trying to free his hand from her grip, but it’s like being caught in a vice. “It’s me. You’re safe. You’re in the hospital, remember?”_

_Carrie let go of his hand, breathing heavily. She sat up, backing away from him as far as the bed will allow. Unfocused, unguarded eyes stared blindly in his direction, pupils blown wide. “I’m sorry. I—“_

_“Hey, it’s okay,” Yevgeny said, rubbing at his wrist. “I shouldn’t have snuck up on you while you were having... a bad dream.”_

_Hurt flickered through Carrie’s eyes before they turned their customary green._

_“Do you want to take some fresh air? Let's go for a walk.” He offered and she nodded._

_After she stood up slowly_ _, she held out her hands in fist, showing him her wrists, waiting for him to make his way over to her._

_“Wh-What are you doing?” He asked, staring, clearly shocked. “I’m not going to tie your hands...” He gently lowered her hands and led her outside._

_***_

_Breathing fresh air felt good, Carrie couldn’t deny it. She didn't know how many days she'd spent locked, if she was honest. She had lost track of the time, but she knew it had been a fucking long since she’d seen the sunlight._ _The relief invaded her the moment they stepped outside. The light was too strong and too bright for her to handle at first, so she took the first steps in the yard with a hand shielding her from the sun. Right after, Carrie allowed herself to finally enjoy being outside._

_“Carrie, you alright?” Yevgeny asked, slowly leaning closer to her._

_She rubbed her face. She must have looked like shit if Yevgeny had offered her to get out and take a walk together._

_“Just a little dizzy. I’m fine,”_ _She eventually said._ _She didn't meet his eyes. “Can we just leave the yard? Get to that birch forest?” She asked, with very little hope for a positive answer._

_“If you want… let’s go.”_ _His eyes looked even brighter in the sunlight._

_They walked in silence for a long time, which is just as well. A strange sort of peace settled over her, at once alien and familiar. After a mile or two, she realized it's comfort in her own skin. "Thanks." She said quietly._

_"No problem," he said, giving her a sidelong glance. After a few steps he added, “Did you think about what I asked you yesterday? Do you want to tell me something?”_

_“No-” she murmured, “I don’t know anything about that.”_

_He nodded slowly. “You know,... about what you asked me yesterday...” he said. She stopped and turned back to face him, interested. He continued, “Today is your seventy-fourth day...here.”_

_Her eyes were wide with shock and confusion, and Yevgeny took a step forward, wanting to diminish the distance between them. She nodded, not feeling the relief she’d expected, but she started walking again._

_A phone rang, Yevgeny immediately dug into his pocket and picked up his cellphone, answering without another word to her. He listened for a few seconds, his body angled away from Carrie. Then he turned to her, making a wait gesture with his index finger and he walked away from her to speak._

_And her greatest fear had become true, she had been in the asylum less than she thought, but more than she remembered. And how long would she stay here, she asked herself, breathing heavily, her eyes closed. She stood like that for a few seconds and when she opened her eyes again, she realized she was alone. She felt free, you can run away, she thought to herself._

_So, she started running around in the woods, running away from him._

_Carrie ran away until_ _Yevgeny reached her, grabbed the front of her shoulder from behind, so she_ _lost her balance, making her_ _sprawling on_ _the ground._ _She collapsed to her knees completely winded._

_“Carrie?! What the fuck are you doing?!” He approached her warily and_ _he squatted down to check on her._

_It took her a moment to regain coherence but when she did she just started to punch and kick him._

_“Hey! What are you doing?” he grabbed her arms and forced her to the ground. She kept fighting on him. “Carrie stop, stop moving! I don’t want to hurt you!”_

_“Get off me!” She grunted as she fought against his grip._

_He grabbed her wrists and tugged her on her right side, so he could hold her hands caught with one of his hands on the ground. He restrained her legs with his knees. “Stop moving! Stop!” She was panting heavily. She struggled against his restraints. “Stop it!” He quickly put his other hand on her left cheek and he held her head pinned on the ground. “Just relax. Just relax.” He held her in place until she tired out._

_For a long minute she just stared at him, fierce and unrelenting, every muscle in her body tensed to spring. “All right? You gonna stay there?” he asked. She didn't fight him anymore but she kept holding her hands into fists,_ _shooking a little._ _“Are you gonna stay there?” He asked again, giving her a little shake to answer and she finally nodded._

_When he felt her relax beneath him he slowly eased off her. He came up on foot when he was convinced that she wouldn't fight back. She groaned and started to cry, lying down on the ground._

_He took a deep, steadying breath. “All right.” He crouched down in front of her. “Now, listen....” he said, lower and steelier than before. She didn't move to look at him. ”Do you know what would happen to you if I report this? You would lock up in the asylum and you will never see the sunlight ever again. Is this what you want?” he said. “Look at me!” She does as he said with a forlorn look. “Where do you think you can escape here? You are in the middle of nowhere.”_

_She stared at him in silence, shock written in her watery eyes. She could see that he’s furious, she could see the rage seeping through all the breaches in him, all those holes, and she braced herself for impact. But then, to her surprise, he reined himself in, breathing through his nose. He shook his head. “It was a bad idea to come here for a walk. Come on, let's go back to the hospital.”_ _he said, his voice a low grumble after a long silence._

_“No,... please.” Her voice almost gone from tears._

_“You need to take a breath.” He said and she exhaled._

_Yevgeny took Carrie by both arms and pulled her to her feet, then started cleaning her up from leaves in her head and in her clothes._ _She forced herself onto shaking legs and looked ahead._

_"Your knee..." he said quietly and they glanced at a bloodstain on her pants. “Do you want to sit awhile on those tree stumps?” he asked and she nodded._ _They sat in the tree stumps, in front of each other._

_Another half hour past, they caught each other looking over at one another every once in a while, but they didn’t speak. Some of the tension eased out of her, the line of her shoulders dropped into something more relaxed. Her hands rested on her knees, and she kept pushing her thumb into the wound,_ _staining her trousers_ _,_ _making herself looked more of a mess than she already was._

_“Stop doing that!”, he said softly. She looked up at him and their eyes met. She didn’t pull her hand away and suddenly he crouched down in front of her. “Let me check it up.” he said and she pulled up the pant leg til the knee length. H_ _is thumb gently touched the wound._ _"Just some scratches" he said. He looked up at her eyes, trying to gauge her reaction, but she looked away. For a second, he thought she might be angry with him._

_“I want to go back to my room.” she said_ _quietly. He nodded and they stood up on foot. She took a deep breath and let the fresh air fill her lungs before they walked back to the hospital._

_They arrived in the yard and before Carrie stepped into the front door, Yevgeny turned around and stood in her way. She tried to move around him, but he sidestepped to block her path._

_“Let me in.” She glared at him._

_"Wait!" He said and let out a breath, as if he had been holding it in for a long time. “Carrie, what the fuck was that?” he stared at her._

_“I panicked.” She answered without looking at him._

_“You have to promise me not to do it again.”_

_Carrie_ _swallowed hard as she looked down, and nodded slightly._

_“No, not like this._ _Look at me.”_ _He tipped her head up by the chin when she continued to stare down at his shoes. Her eyes crawled up his face to finally meet his gaze._

_“I promise you.” she said._

_Yevgeny moved out of her way and let her enter in the hallway. A nurse approached Carrie and looked down at her knee._

_“Что случилось? (What happened?)” the nurse asked and turned to Yevgeny._

_“Она упала. (She fell down.)” he answered._

_Carrie could feel his eyes on her as she walked upstairs._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to tell something about a strange feeling I had about the end of episode 7.12 at the Russian border, when they let Carrie go, she didn’t move because she had promised Yevgeny to not run away, but when they pushed her she ran and didn’t stop. Sorry guys, I know I'm a mess, but this moment was a prompt for this chapter.  
> I hope you liked it and I would love to hear your thoughts in the comments :)
> 
> Thank you! Have a nice weekend!


	6. Keep your eyes on me

> Day 75
> 
> Today was a difficult day. I have been awake all night and I had some panic attacks. Nobody came for me today, and I think it's good.

> Day 76
> 
> No sleep since yesterday. I’m not okay and  I’m seeing things. Omega came here in the evening, when  I wasn’t in good shape . He continues to behave politely, but I blamed him for what happened to me. He didn’t report me and I asked him why. Instead he told me he came to the asylum and found me hanging myself. I think he felt pity for me, but I have to admit I have been rude to him. 
> 
>   
>    
> 

~~~~~~~~~~ _ Back to the asylum _ ~~~~~~~~~~

_ If mirrors are meant to be a reflection of one’s self, why did Carrie see someone different. She could hardly recognize herself as she stared back at the mirror, watching her imitation. _ _ She thought she looked terrible. Her eyes and cheekbones were sunken in and under her eyes were dark circles. _ __

__

_ “If you are looking for answers, mirrors aren’t the place you should be looking for them.” _

__

_ Carrie didn’t need to turn around to know who was at the door, she’d become used to him invading her room now, it had no longer become a surprise. _

__

_ He continued. “Mirrors tell us what we look like, not who we are.” _

__

_ Washing her hands in the basin, she looked at him in the mirror. “Then who do you see when you look in the mirror?” _

__

_ Yevgeny looked at her then diverted his attention to her hands which she was washing vigorously under the hot water, steam rising from the sink. She didn't seem to be bothered by the heat, it was as if she'd become numb to the pain.  _

__

_ “What are you doing?” he asked, concerned. _

__

_ “The blood... it won’t come off.” _

__

_ Yevgeny furrowed his brow as he approached her. There was no blood in the basin, just the crystalline water brimming to the edge. “Carrie, there’s no blood on your hands.” _

__

_ “Don’t lie to me.” _

__

_ “Carrie-” _

__

_ “Don’t lie to me!” she shouted as the basin overflowed, the hot water bursting out to the bathroom floor. _

__

_ Hastily, Yevgeny turned off the tap and grabbed her hands, which felt like fire against his palms and held them in his. Tears poured from her eyes as she fell to her knees, Yevgeny joining her, the water enclosing them. _

__

_ “I’m so tired, Yevgeny,” she confessed, wearily. “Tired of life, tired of the lies - tired of you acting like you care when in reality you're just doing your job. Did they tell you to come in here? To ‘check on me’?” She pulled her hands out of his. “I don’t need your ‘pity’ or your ‘concern’!” _

__

_ “I came in here of my own accord,” he admitted. “The doctor told me you haven’t slept in days-” _

__

_ Carrie pushed him back, propelling him against the wall. “And whose fault is that, huh?” She stood to her feet, wiping her tears with the back of her hand, her trousers soaked. “What you all did to me was inhumane!” _

__

_ She expected him to fight back, to threaten her for attacking him. But to her surprise, he winced in pain. She’d never seen him this vulnerable, part of her felt remorseful but the other didn’t care. _

__

_ “What we did was necessary for our objective.” he groaned. _

__

_ “And did you achieve your fucking objective? Because now you let me to take my medications...” _

_ She noticed him become hesitant and Yevgeny was never hesitant. Yet, in this moment, he told her something that she was beginning to suspect for a while. He was hiding something. _

_ Gathering his strength, he pulled himself to his feet. “Ask me one question and I’ll tell you what you want to know.” _

_ Carrie didn’t expect him to be so open, to reveal anything. But what was stopping him from lying to her? As she thought of a question, she decided that whatever he said, she’d take with a grain of salt. _

_ “Why didn’t you report my attempt to escape?” _

_ He bowed and smiled to himself. “Carrie, do you know why you are here in the hospital?” _

_ “I thought you said you’d answer my question!” Carrie moaned. _

_ “I am answering. Do you remember why you came here?” _

_ “Remember? No!” She huffed out a breath of exhausted, angry laughter. “But I was out of my mind and I am back in my meds now, so I guess this is why I am here-” _

_ “Well, not exactly.” Yevgeny cut her off. “I came to the asylum to interrogate you, but I never did as I found you trying to hang yourself-” _

_ “What?” _

_ “If I was there a minute later, you would have been gone. So, tell me Carrie, should I have reported what happened?” _

_ For a long minute they just stared at each other. _

_ “Some days before, you told me you didn’t regret what you did to me. But your behaviors reveal the opposite.”  _

_ With the last thing she said, she caught him off guard. Yevgeny swallowed hard as she kept staring at him, but he didn’t speak. “Now, please, just leave...” Carrie said, walking to her bed and turning off the lamp. She took off her soaked pants and jumped in her bed.  _ _ She grabbed the pillow from above her head and dragged it down. She held it to her, burying her face in the rough cotton. _

_She could hear his footsteps into the room, the sound echoing in the nearly empty space. She expected him to leave but he stopped at the doorway. After a moment Carrie_ _looked up in his direction and_ _found him leaning against the door._

_ “I’m sorry,” she said into the darkness. Was she apologizing for the things she said during their fight? Or for running away from him? Or was it something else entirely? “I’m sorry, Yevgeny.” _

_ “I know, Carrie. Get some sleep.” he said, leaning his head back at the door. _

_ He waited until her breath slowed into soft snores. _

__

_ “I’m sorry, too,” he whispered. “For everything.” _

_ Yevgeny shutted the door on silent and left Carrie to sleep. For as long as her nightmares would let her. _


	7. You’re a Mystery

> Day 78
> 
> Yesterday nothing interesting happened, I stayed all day in my room. Today I feel better, maybe because I slept a little and I had a walk in the woods with Omega. He keeps coming here and he seems interested in my well-being. He asked me if this was my first time being without my medications and he was surprised when I told him that it wasn’t. And he told me that I'm a mystery and he wants to “solve” me.

  
  


~~~~~~~~~~ _ Back to the asylum _ ~~~~~~~~~~

_ Yevgeny entered Carrie’s room hoping she’d be asleep. Of course, not only she was wide awake, but she was staring right at the door when he walked in. _

_ “Hey,” he said from the doorway, softly, like she was only just getting up. A smile spread across her face at that, as though he’d passed some kind of test by being the first to speak. “Do you want to come for a walk?” _

_ “I thought you'd never ask me again.” Her lips tilted up in a hesitant smile. _

_ “Why not? Nothing gonna happen.” he smirked. “I have your word.” He continued, tilted his head. _

_ She stared at him and nodded. _

_ “Come on, it’ll be nice to get some fresh air.” _

_ They walked outside. _

_ He was wondering what she was thinking about. She’d been quiet since they left her room. _

_ "How are you feeling?" he asked. _

_ "Fine." _

_ "Fine?" He raised an eyebrow at her.  _

_ "As fine as I can be. I don't know, tired? Exhausted?" She answered, looking at her feet. _

_ “When was the last time you slept?” _

_ “Last night.” Carrie answered stoutly.  _

_ "And how many hours of sleep did you get last night? Carrie?" _

_ She became defensive before she even knew what was happening. “Like you’re one to talk to,” she said, but she was too tired to put much poison behind the words.  _

_ “Don’t dodge the question.” _

_ “What, are you my fucking therapist?”  _ _ She glared at him. _

_ “No. I’m not. It is just a question. How many hours did you sleep?” His expression was set. Stubborn. _

_ She considered it for a second before answering. "One? Maybe two? I drifted off at one point, but then..." _

_ "Then?" _

_ "I... I don't stay asleep very long anymore." _

_ "Do you want to talk about that?" he offered stiffly. _

_ “Not really,” Carrie whispered. Her eyes met his for just a moment, before they fell to the ground. _

_ Yevgeny shrugged, respecting her privacy. _

_ Which was probably why she said, “I thought it was getting better.” _

_ “The insomnia or the nightmares?” He  _ _ asked, giving her a sidelong glance. _ __

_ Carrie sighed. “Both, I guess? The pills help, they really do, but I feel like it’s creeping into my life. I’m afraid that--” She cut herself off, feeling silly for unburdening herself, never mind that he had asked. _

_ “Afraid?” He prompted, his voice was gentle. _

_ “What if I can’t ever sleep again? What if I'm doomed to walking through life in a sleepless fog? Never knowing how much of what I am seeing is a hallucination or a dream?” _

_ Yevgeny scrambled to say something, anything close to comforting. “I think you need more time. A lot has happened to you in the last months,” he paused, feeling as if he should say more. “And I hope for you this will be over soon.” _

_ Carrie shook her head as she looked up at him, but didn’t speak. A long silence stretched on, each lost in their own thoughts. Brush and sticks crunched under their feet as they hike their way through the woods.  _

_ “Was this the first time?” Yevgeny broke the silence. _

_ “What?” She gave him a questioning look, tired eyes narrowed. _

_ “That you experienced the lack of medications?” _

_ “No,” she said with a sigh “Actually I have been a few times. Maybe not for so long, but yeah.” She took a few steps and continued, It helped me to be more focused.” _

_ He blinked in surprise and looked over at her. “Wait, are you telling me that you did that on purpose?” _

_ “Yes, sometimes I did. And sometimes not.” She rolled her eyes. “It happened to me to hallucinate things, or people, mostly dead people from my past, like Brody..."  _

_ “So you knew how it would be.” Yevgeny shook his head, “You’re a mystery.” _

_ Carrie fell silent, “Don’t try to solve me, though.” She quietly muttered under her breath. _

_ He frowned and shoved his hands in his jeans pockets. “I want to,” he said, tipping his head up to the hard blue skies. _

_ She looked at him, a smile playing on her lips. “You are a stubborn one aren’t you?” _

_ “Something like that.” He smirked. _

_ They continue to walk in silence. _

_ “Did you love him?” he asked after a pause. _

_ His ask shook her from her own thoughts. “What?” _

_ “Brody?” _

_ Carrie frowned, finally looking at him “Are you really asking me that?”  _

_ Yevgeny smirked at her. “Yes. I’m curious.” _

_ She nodded. “Yeah, I think so,” she paused, “Is that weird?”  _

_ “No, not at all.” He shrugged. “We don’t always choose who we fall in love with.”  _

_ She continued, “I have a daughter with him, Franny.”  _

_ He didn't say anything, just gave her a smile. _


	8. I don't mind

> Day 79
> 
> Today I woke up with a fever. I stayed all day in my bed. Omega came in the afternoon and stayed here until evening.
> 
> I don’t know what he has in his mind, but he stares a lot. He  looks at me with something akin to awe, it reminds me of the first time we met each other in the meeting conference.
> 
> Anyway, I appreciate that he came and  took care of me , and it is good sometimes to talk to someone. No matter how badly I want to pretend, I can’t fool myself. He is the only real thing here.

_ ~~~~~~~~~~ Back to the asylum ~~~~~~~~~~ _

__

_ Yevgeny came in the afternoon, holding in his hand a cup of tea. _

_ “Take it,” he said, holding out a cup of chamomile tea. “This should help with the sleep.” _

_ She blinked her eyes open and took the cup from him in two hands. She brought it close to her face and inhaled before taking a tentative sip. “Thank you,” she said as she thought he had been informed of her fever before.  _

_ “You’re welcome.” he said while sitting in the chair. He tried not to stare at Carrie while she drank her tea, but knew he'd been caught when she looked at him over the rim of her cup. _

_ They stared at each other for a long moment, until Yevgeny tore his gaze away. _

_ “You don’t have to stay with me,” Carrie said. “I know you have other things you’d rather be doing.” _

_ He didn’t tell her that this is his penance, that the guilt churning in his gut won’t allow him to let her out of his sight. Not when her condition is his fault. And on the other side he had ‘a mission’. _

_ Looking at Carrie, even while she wore an oversized T-shirt, with her messy hair, he thought he should have known he’d be damned from the start. " _ _ I’m fine,” he said. _

_ “Suit yourself. But you’re going to get bored. I’m not all that interesting.” _

_ He huffed out a laugh. It wasn’t true, not in the least, but he didn’t tell her that. So he stayed silent, watching her as she laid down in her bed and closed her eyes. _

_ “I’m so tired,” she said. _

_ “You have a fever. Sleep. I’ll wake you up in a few hours to check on you.” _

_ She sighed. “Oh, you are my doctor now. Right. ” _

_ A smile tugged at his lips. With her eyes closed, he let himself indulge in it. _

_ After a long moment, long enough that Yevgeny had thought Carrie was at least attempting to sleep, she dragged the blanket with her, covered her head, and started talking very quietly.  _

_ “When I was child, I used to play with my sister like this. On rainy days, we would pick all pillows and blankets from the whole house, turn the chairs upside down, and build a blanket fort.” _

_ “How many sisters do you have?” he asked. _

_ She considered it for a second before answering the whole truth, “One... And a younger half-brother.” _

_ Yevgeny nodded. Carrie took a breath and continued her story. It wasn’t so difficult, after all, to speak frankly to him. No, actually, it gave her some kind of a strange relief. _

_ “I would crawl deep inside and sit there for hours. Sometimes, I didn't want to come out, I wished I could stay there, inside the pillow fort. It was a quiet and warm place where no one could disturb me.”  _

_ She fell in silent, before she asked “And you? Do you have any siblings?” _

_ He took a moment to answer “No. Not anymore. I had a brother, but he died when he was young.” _

_ She lifted her head up, looked right into Yevgeny’s eyes, and whispered, “Um, I’m sorry.” _

_ They remained in silence, each lost in their own thoughts. _

_ Yevgeny watched her for a long time without saying a word. He looked at her with a reverence that scared her. It wasn’t all the time. No, most of the time Carrie wondered if she’s even a blip on his radar. And why should she be? She’s just the enemy who summarily helped turn his world upside down, and not in a good way. But sometimes she caught him, when he didn’t think that she could see him, his brown eyes looking at her--really looking at her--with something akin to awe. _

_ Like now, for example. She wasn’t doing anything particularly exciting. In fact, she didn’t think there could be anything more dull than laying in the bed. Perhaps it was because there wasn’t anything else for him to look at. _

_ Still, it didn’t explain the force of his stare. Carrie shifted in her bed, trying to hide her discomfort. She could feel his gaze like a tangible thing, like the heat of a physical touch, spreading through her until she feels warm all over. _

_ “You’re staring,” Carrie said, when she could no longer keep his gaze on her. _

_ Yevgeny looked away, “I apologize,” he said, voice husky after so long without speaking. _

_ “I don’t mind,” she said, glancing over at him. He didn’t look back. “Well, I do mind. It’s kind of hard to sleep when I keep thinking there must be something wrong with my face.” _

_ His attention snapped back to her. “No, I--” _

_ When he didn’t continue, Carrie pressed, “You?” _

_ “There is nothing wrong with your face.” He said it with finality, as if he’d stated an objective fact rather than an opinion.  _

_ “Well, then I don’t like being watched--” _

_ “Can you just--, sleep?” he cut her off. _

_ She rolled her eyes, “I'm trying, but you aren’t very helpful.” She lay on her stomach and burrowed her face into the cool side of the pillow, trying to get comfortable.  _

_ She stayed like that in silence until Yevgeny started to sing a soft lullaby, in Russian. _

_ “Oh, really?” she said, without looking at him, but he continued to sing some other verses. _

_ “What? I’m trying to be helpful.” he said playfully, smirk playing at his lips. _

_ “What does it say?” she asked, curiously. _

_ “Don't lie down by the edge. The grey wolf will come and will grab you by your side. He will grab you by your side and drag you into the wood. So, close your eyes, and fall asleep… and it continues.” he said, his lips curved up in a smirk. A knowing smirk. _

_ Carrie tilted up her head to look at him. She exhaled a short laugh and asked “Yevgeny, are you fucking kidding with me or what?” _

_ “No, this is what it says, really, I’m not inventing it.” he explained.  _

_ She saw him smiling and realized that Yevgeny was teasing her. _

_ “Really funny. So, are you the wolf?” she asked with sarcasm and put her head back in the pillow. _

_ “Am I?” He asked after a moment, again with a smirk. _

_ Carrie buried so deep under the blanket, like she was taking a moment to consider her answer. She thought he is a man who looks extremely cold and hard, and the years and Russian wind and snow have left marks on his face. But just as every Omega will show a fragile side in front of Alpha, this cold and hard man will also offer tenderness in front of her. _

_ “Yeah-,” she whispered.  _

_ He didn’t reply to her. _

_ “You are… an Omega” she sleepily muttered after a while, the last word got lost within her breath.  _

_ He didn’t understand what she was whispering, he thought maybe she was talking in sleep but he didn’t want to bother her anymore, so he decided to let her sleep. _

_ As the hours drew out, Carrie dozed on and off. She was sweating when she felt a hand on her forehead. She opened her eyes and saw Yevgeny checking on her. _

_ “You're burning up.” he said quietly. “Did the doctor give you something for your fever?” he asked, his hand still in her forehead. _

_ “Yes, I took a pill,” she said sleepily. _

_ He was about to return to his chair, to continue his vigil, when her hand stopped him, grasping his wrist and preventing him from going any further.  He craned his neck to look at her.  “Carrie?” _

_ Eyes still closed, she said, “Thank you. For taking care of me.” _

_ Yevgeny gently extricated himself from her grip, squeezing her hand once in his, before he let go. He sat himself back into his chair. _

_ If Carrie felt him watching her, she didn’t say anything, not even as hours passed and the sun set, washing the room in darkness. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to say that the lullaby Yevgeny sang to Carrie is really a Russian lullaby. I found it very funny-related with that scene and I thought to put this in.
> 
> Also I don’t know if you guys know that an omega wolf is called the lowest ranking member of the pack. They serve as a stress-reliever and care for the others. So for our Alpha, Yevgeny is an Omega. 😉


	9. The deal

> Day 80
> 
> Today I slept till the afternoon and I feel better. Omega came when I was writing in the notebook, apparently he didn't expect that I had written my bullshits on it and he didn't want for me to keep it. But we made a deal: I can keep it as long as I want, but I have to give it back to him. Honestly I don't think he will read every entry I wrote, it is worthless. 
> 
> Also he asked me if it was my idea for the swap with Simone that day and I told him the truth. And I asked him if he was pleased with his pay off, with what they have done to me so far and his answer was 'Not anymore'. I don’t know if I have to worry about that or not.

  
  


_ ~~~~~~~~~~ Back to the asylum ~~~~~~~~~~ _

_ When Carrie woke up, she felt a lot better than the last time. She realized it was afternoon and she felt like she had woken up after a year’s worth of sleep. She barely could remember when the nurse gave her the pills in the morning or even when Yevgeny left her room last night.  _

_ She reached under the bed for her notebook and sluggishly got up from her bed. She pulled off the chair and moved it closer to the window, where she could sit in the remnants of the afternoon sun struggling in through the glass.  _

_ Carrie was writing in her notebook when she heard a knock and sensed movement behind her. She turned her head and saw Yevgeny’s hulking figure coming through her door. _

_ “How are you today?” he asked, walking towards her. _

_ “Better,” she said slowly. _

_ “What are you writing?” Yevgeny leaned over her shoulder and she tried not to flinch.  _

_ "Nothing," Carrie replied automatically, her hands slowly sliding up to cover the notebook.  _

_ He was still peering over her shoulder and she could feel his breath on her cheek. “Is this the notebook I gave you?” he asked. _

_ “Yes,” she answered, her hands still covering part of it. She wasn’t sure why she was doing this, if she was trying to hide it from him, now he has his full attention on it. _

_ “Oh, cool.” Yevgeny moved away now and she relaxed. She didn’t understand why her body feels so foreign when he’s around. His hand reached down and grabbed the notebook from her lap, before she could react.  _

_ “Can I look?” Yevgeny was already flipping through it when she nodded. He  expected to read  any information in it, but it looked like a diary. " What the hell is this?" he asked. _

_ "None of your business," she managed to snap, standing up and making a grab for the notebook, but he lifted it out of her reach. _

_ “Easy now,” he said, standing so close to her they were almost touching. _

_ Her heartbeat was thrumming like she was about to fight and she didn't like it. Whatever he was doing to her, she wished he could just stop it. She backed away  from him, retreating to the safety of her bed. She sat down and let out a long drawn out sigh. _

_ “Writing helps me to lose time, okay? Carrie said, looking down at her hands  on her lap . “It’s hard for me to just stay in the bed all day, doing nothing. At least I have something to do.” She looked up at him. “Can I keep it?” She asked, with very little hope for a positive answer.  _

_ Yevgeny seemed troubled by the request. His eyes shifted uncomfortably between Carrie’s face and the notebook in his hand.  _

_ “Please,” she said. “Please, please.” _

_ He gave her an unimpressed look. “No.” _

_ Carrie huffed and sat back in the bed. Her arms crossed for good measure. “Pretty please?” _

_ He rolled his eyes, “Carrie--”  _

_ “C’mon! Looks like you had forgotten that you had given it to me!” _

_ “No, I didn’t.” _

_ She was silent, eyes narrowing ever so slightly as she contemplated. “What if we compromise?” _

_ Yevgeny frowned, as if the concept is foreign to him. “Compromise?” _

_ “Yeah, you know, I give you something if you give me something?” _

_ He considered her offer. “How?” _

_ “I can keep the notebook for as long as I'm here and you can take it after.” _

_ He huffed out a laugh and because he could never make anything easy, he said, “This is not exactly a deal. I can take it whenever I want.”  _

_ “Not if I shred it.” She stared at him. _

_ The corner of his mouth quirks up. “What if I don’t want to read it?” he said, but he knew it was a stupid question, because of course he wanted to read it. _

_ “Then you can throw it, or whatever, if that’s what you choose.” _

_ Yevgeny was silent for a long time, his eyes focused on the notebook. He was quiet for so long that Carrie considered trying to get another ‘please’ in, but just as she opened her mouth, he said, “Fine, but before I want to know something-”. He paused for a moment, “Something that I have been wondering these days.” _

_ “What?” she asked, looking at him. _

_ “Was it Saul’s idea or your idea to swap with Simone that day?” he asked, tilting his head. _

_ Is that what he was thinking yesterday while he was staring at her, Carrie thought. “Does it matter as long as I agreed with it?” _

_ “Answer, please” He said and waved the notebook like he was telling her to answer if she wanted it back. _

_ She looked at him for a moment, “Yes, it was my idea.” _

_ He raised his chin in a quick nod of confirmation. “I--” he swallowed, “I can tell it was a brilliant idea. And the fact that it was yours, it makes it even bold.” _

_ “Why?” _

_ “C’mon. I don’t think you were so naive and didn’t think that there was a risk of being caught.” _

_ They stayed in silence for a moment, staring at each other until Yevgeny turned around and glanced out the window. _

_ “And the pay off you gave to me was brilliant,” Carrie said sarcastically. _

_ “What did you expect?” he asked, still glancing out the window.  _

_ She didn’t reply. Suddenly his phone rang, Yevgeny picked it up and turned to face her, leaning on the window ledge. After he spoke on his phone he said, “I have to go now.” _

_ “Are you at least satisfied?” she asked, looking at him. _

_ He took a moment to remember what they were talking about. “It doesn't matter.”  _

_ He walked toward her and handed her the notebook.  _ _ She held the notebook in her hands and sighed “It does to me.” _

_ Yevgeny didn’t respond; he walked to the door and before he could shut it on his way out, he looked at her and said, “Not anymore.” _

_ He closed the door and left Carrie with her own thoughts. _


	10. I dreamed about you last night

> Day 81
> 
> I keep seeing nightmares, but weirdly enough, last night I dreamed of Omega. He was interrogating me,  I can’t remember what he was saying, but he looked very angry. He was yelling at me until he came closer to catch my arms, but I woke up and I couldn’t sleep anymore. I told him the nightmare when he came. He tried to comfort me and he told me that he wasn’t in my interrogations.
> 
> Also he brought me a book, a thick one:  War and Peace by Leo Tolstoy. He keeps surprising me.
> 
> I started to read the book after I had a short walk with Omega. The book is good and the day passed quickly.

  
  
  


_ ~~~~~~~~~~ Back to the asylum ~~~~~~~~~~ _

_ When Yevgeny came to the hospital, he found Carrie sitting on a bench in the yard.  _

_ “Hey,” he said, but Carrie seemed to be lost in her own thoughts. She inclined her head in greeting and  motioned for him to sit next to her. _

_ “I brought you a book.” he said while sitting beside her, holding a book. _

_ Forcing her hands not to shake, she took the book from his hand, but he noticed her trembling hands. _

_ “Thanks.” she said quietly. Her eyes watched over the cover:  War and Peace, Leo Tolstoy . “Tolstoy?” she asked. _

_ “Yeah, old but gold,” he said and gave her a smile.  _

_ Carrie looked up at him, “I will never take you for a novel reader.” _

_ Yevgeny shrugged, “It was probably one of my favorites when I was young.”  _

_ He can see her smile morphed into something a little sad. Her face was pale,  _ _ except for the bright pink flush spread across her cheekbones. The dark circles under her eyes were more prominent than usual.  _

_ “Have you slept?” he asked, tilting his head to look at her. _

_ Carrie looked away and took a deep breath, but didn’t respond to his question. She lost again in her thoughts, until she jumped up a little, like she was just remembered where she was and with whom. _

_ "Are you going to tell me what’s up?” he asked, finally fed up with her silence. “You’re practically vibrating.” He frowned, catching the actual fine tremors in her hands. _

_ She looked away, at something over his head. Her eyes had gone dark, stormy. _

_ “I dreamed about you last night.” _

_ He blinked. “About me?” _

_ She nodded. _

_ “A nightmare?” _

_ Her mouth thinned into a line and she nodded again. _

_ “Do you...want to talk about it?”  He asked carefully. _

_ “No.” She ran a hand through her hair. “I’m sorry,” she added. “I should go inside.” _

_ She shifted, but Yevgeny caught her wrist before she could stand up. “Tell me. About your nightmare.” _

_ Her fingers fidgeted, as if fighting with the urge to pull away, to run away, again. She took a deep breath, wondering where to start. She glanced at him and focused on her lap.  _

_ “We were in an interrogation room, I was seated in a chair and my arms were chained to the metal table ” she says, voice tight. _

_ “We?” _

_ Carrie shifted under his hold. Yevgeny prepared to let her go, but Carrie tilted her head, a pale pink high in her cheeks. “You and I.” _

_ He blinked. “And then what?” _

_ “We were fighting. You were yelling at me. I can’t remember what was being said. It doesn’t matter. And you...” she stopped. _

_ “And I hurt you.” He didn’t have to phrase it as a question. _

_ She nodded. “You were so angry.”  She wasn't looking at him, but staring at her lap, deep in thought. _

_ He frowned, his jaw was tensed but his thumb started caressing her wrist. _

_ "Carrie, I wasn’t there. In your interrogations. You know that, right?" He said,  _ _ quiet, tone neutral. He squeezed her wrist and let go of her arm. _

_ She looked straight at his eyes, with vulnerability mixed with anger,  then  huffed out a laugh “Yeah, sure, you are the good guy.”  _

_ She took a quieter breath, shaking her head, "I don't know why I just told you that...I'm being too fucking honest right now." She said the last part more quietly, almost as an admission to herself, not to him.  _

_ Their eyes met, and Yevgeny could see the confusion in them, the fear underneath. Whatever was going on in here, his presence couldn't be helping. He was probably making things worse, bringing to light all the things she had passed.  _

_ "Hey," he said quietly. "If…look, if you don't want me here, I can…" _

_ “No,” Carrie said, not looking at him. “Stay. Please.” _

_ “Okay,” he said. After a moment in silence  he turned towards her, crouching down, trying to make her look at him.  “Are you...still angry with me?” _

_ Carrie shook her head. “No. I should be, but I’m not. Not really.” _

_ His hand reached towards her arm like it wanted to touch her or pull her to him. He settled for laying it on her shoulder.  _

_ “C’mon, let’s go for a walk.” he murmured, looking at her. She gave him a sad smile. _


	11. Breathe With Me

> Day 82
> 
> It has been 2 weeks since I’m here in the hospital. I'm better but I’m worried about what will happen next. Honestly I have been wondering too much as I haven’t slept and I have had some panic attacks. Well, I had a bad one, when Omega was here. First I thought I would get it over on my own, because I didn’t like the idea of him watching me in a panic state and I hid myself in the bathroom. But it got worse and I don’t remember exactly how but he was there with me and helped me to pass it. I'm thankful that Omega was here at that moment, because I don’t dare imagine what would've happened if I was alone. 
> 
> After, we went for a walk but I was afraid to ask him where they will take me after I’m  discharged from the hospital. When he was about to leave he told me that he can’t come in the next few days.

_ ~~~~~~~~~~ Back to the asylum ~~~~~~~~~~ _

__

_ When Yevgeny came to Carrie’s room, she was sitting on the edge of her bed. _

_ “How’re you doing?” he asked. _

_ Carrie just looked at him. _

_ “Do you want to go outside?,” he offered. _

_ “I…I don’t know. I was hoping to get some reading done.” She motioned to the book she’d laid out on her bed. She prayed that this would be a good enough reason to be left alone in her room. _

_ Instead he took off his jacket and hung it over a chair. He sat himself down in the chair, letting his long legs stretch out before him, and his gaze on her was familiar and close. “I will stay for awhile if you change your mind,” he said quietly. _

_ Carrie looked at him for a moment and then she took the book to read. _

_ Half an hour passed, she was tapping her foot. And it was driving him crazy. _

_ She didn’t seem to realize that she’s even doing it. She was staring down at the book, flipping through pages. She looked up, her gaze doubling back to him when she realized that he had been watching her, holding his phone in his hand. She cleared her throat, leg still bouncing. “What’s wrong?” _

_ “You’re, um, jittery today.” _

_ “Well, I didn’t sleep,” she said honestly, half wondering if one small fragment of truth, of confession, might be enough to sate him. The tapping of her foot stilled, leaving the room in blessed silence. _

_ It was quiet for all of five minutes before the tapping started again. _

_ “Carrie,” he said, hoping that will be enough of a reminder. It was. Without a word, the tapping stopped. _

_ For a total of three minutes. He let her for another minute, before he sighed and looked at her again. Her jaw clenched and unclenched with the movement of her foot. “Are you okay? You seem...anxious.” _

_ She shook her head. “I’ll be right back.” Sighing, Carrie practically shoved herself from her bed and went into the bathroom. _

_ He tried to ignore it and dived back into his phone, but he couldn’t help glancing at the time every once in a while. _

_ Ten minutes go by. Then twenty. _

_ Almost thirty minutes passed and, still, there was no sign of Carrie. _

_ With a shake of his head he went towards the bathroom door, gently tapping it with his knuckles. "Carrie, are you alright?" He waited a few seconds but got no reply. He was not sure what possessed him to do it, but the urge to open it and peek in was overpowering. “Can you come out? You are making me worried.”  _

_ Yevgeny didn't push her anymore than that. He waited in the few seconds of silence. If Carrie would tell him to leave, he would respectfully do so. If she would open the door, it would be even better, all he knew is he needed to tread carefully. _

__

_ He came closer to the door and suddenly he heard  the sound of hushed whimpers coming from the other side. “Shit.”  He really was worried.  _

__

_ “Carrie,  do you mind if I open the door?” He asked. “Carrie?” his voice louder than before. _

__

_ “Come-- in” Her words barely audible, said on the whisper of a breath. _

_ He carefully opened the door and stepped inside. His eyes descended to watch her sitting on the floor, her back resting against the wall. “What, are you hiding here from me? He asked, but if she could hear him, she didn’t show it. She was breathing hard. _

_ Yevgeny knelt down, desperate to get some sort of view of her face. Even directly in front of her, she stared through him, her face red and sweating. “Carrie. Carrie!” He grasped her shoulders, and she started, finally looking at him. “C’mon. You’re having a panic attack.” _

_ “Yes- I’m- aware-” She wheezed, glaring.  _

_ "Breathe,” he offered her quickly. “Just breathe with me, long slow breaths.” Yevgeny started long and slow breaths. Carrie couldn’t match him. “Hey, it’s okay. Keep on trying.” _

_ Gently, as her breath finally began to slow, he drew a small circle across her shoulder blades, and down to her back. “Breathe, Carrie. You’re okay. You’re okay.”  _

_ After a few moments Yevgeny asked, “Are you okay with me sitting closer?” _

_ She nodded without looking at him. _

_ He settled on his hip to Carrie’s side and leaned his back against the wall. “Breath,” he said once again, though this time he’d gotten his voice to go soft. Carrie shifted her weight until her head rested solidly on Yevgeny’s bicep. _

_ They stayed like that for a while.  _

_ “Panic attacks suck, don’t they?” he said softly. _

_ She picked her head up from his shoulder and looked at him “How did you know?” _

_ Yevgeny laughed a little. Not to insult her, but in commiseration. “I’ve been under a lot of stress. Not nearly as much as you, and yet, there are still days where I feel like my heart is pounding hard enough to burst in my chest. I used to believe it’s part of my job, the worst one.” _

_ Carrie looked at him, her eyes studying him like something new, something that should have been obvious, has just slotted into place for her. She returned his laugh with a quiet, bitter exhale, which Yevgeny took to be agreement. She breathed in and back out again and it was more ragged, as if she was losing the fight. “I can feel it.” _

_ “The worst thing you can do is give into it.” _

_ Carrie laughed. _

_ He smiled. “I know, easier said than done.” _

_ “Then what do you propose?” she asked, looking at him. _

_ “A walk. Come on.” He held out his hand, palm up until she took it. He helped her to her feet. _

_ They went for a walk, she didn't say anything, didn't even look at him. _

_ It was just dark by the time they got back. “I hadn’t realized it’d gotten so late. Feeling any better?” Yevgeny asked.  _

_ A little. Yes.” Carrie shook her head. _

_ “Listen, I can’t come in the next few days.” he said, looking at her. _

_ “You-- can’t?” she asked, surprised. _

_ Yevgeny stared at her for a long moment. “I have to go out of the country.”  _

_ He had no idea what to say more to her, how much would be too much. "Night, Carrie" he settled on eventually. _

_ "Night," she said, and she walked upstairs to her room. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone,  
> I want to say that the prompt for this chapter was the moment in episode 8.07 when Yevgeny grasp Carrie's arms and calms her down telling her "I will take care of it". Damn, those eyes 😍
> 
> Also I love to know how satisfied are you by this story so far, voting from 1 to 5. I will appreciate it. 
> 
> Thank you for reading and commenting ❤️


	12. This is weird

> Day 86
> 
> It has been some days without writing my daily diary. It's because my days have been so monotonous. Most of the time I have stayed in my bed, reading the book and I haven't slept well. Omega hasn’t come these days.
> 
> I guess I'll have another late night tonight.

> Day 87
> 
> Today Omega came for a visit. It had been five days since last time he was here. I'd always felt something settling warm inside of my soul when he was around, but never as much as I did today. I was watching the sunset, staring out the window, when he came and stood next to me.
> 
> I don't know why I'm being too fucking opened with him.  Maybe because I missed him??? I never would have expected to be here with him like this, considering how things started off between us.
> 
> Anyway he told me I will be discharged tomorrow and they will take me in another place, but I can keep my medication. This is a good thing.

_ ~~~~~~~~~~ Back to the asylum ~~~~~~~~~~ _

_ Carrie stood at her window, elbows resting on the ledge, staring out at the dramatic sunset, a glow of reds and oranges lighting up the sky. From her window she saw the same landscape as every day, the sky as red as it could be and the clouds circulating in lighter or darker tones, passing with their gloomy presence. _

_ Standing there, watching without observing, thinking without thinking, just waiting for something to happen. She was waiting. What? She didn’t know, but she waited. She was alone with herself, alone with her thoughts and memories. She had almost lost all sense of time. Almost three months, time went so slow that eternity seemed even longer than it should be, her days so monotonous, so boring, having to do the same thing every day. _

_ “Nice view,” Yevgeny’s voice rumbled in her ears. She jumped about a foot, flattening a hand over her pounding heart. His eyes flicked over her, head to toe, like he had been waiting anxiously to see her up close again. _

_ “Jesus,” she breathed. “I didn’t even hear you.” _

_ He leaned his body against the ledge of the window and looked at her. “Lost in thought?”  _

_ She shrugged, nodding out at the sky. “It’s a nice sunset.” _

_ He turned to look at it. “It is,” he agreed. “Romantic,” he added, wiggling his eyebrows at her. _

_ And there was the fact that his cocky swagger and the way he stood too close to her and the heat in his eyes when he smiled at her had all combined to stir up something dark and elemental in her stomach. He's so close she can feel his body heat, or maybe that's just her, because she's warm all of a sudden, color rising in her cheeks. It’s a strange feeling, this gentle buzz in her stomach and chest. Strange, but not totally unfamiliar.  _

_ Carrie sighed, Yevgeny was grinning at her with a strange look on his face, like he wanted to say something or ask her something, and a little warning bell started tingling in her brain.  _

_ “What, did you miss me?” He asked innocently, eyes wide like he was really interested. She completely missed the sarcasm. _

_ Carrie looked down at the ledge of the window, studying the rough surface intently. She thought it was a straightforward question. He was definitely not her friend, that was for sure, but the truth was more complicated. _

_ She missed him. That was the truth, and she hated that fact.  _

_ Carrie tried for a minute to put something into words, and what came out in the end was: “It gets lonely here.” _

_ She didn’t look up from the ledge, but in her peripheral vision, she watched Yevgeny turn his body towards her, leaning his hip on the ledge. She didn't know what spurred on her telling that. And she kept going, which was even more bizarre for her. “It’s nice to have someone here.” She forced herself to look up and meet his eyes. _

_ Yevgeny didn't expect an answer to that rapid-fire question, but she gave him one.  He looked at her silently, not knowing how to respond. “How have you been these days?” he finally asked, quietly. _

_ Carrie shrugged, as if to say ‘I don’t know.’ _

_ “Tomorrow you will be discharged from the hospital.” Just the thought of it made Carrie shudder nervously, being caught by his eyes. “What?” he asked. _

_ Carrie bit her lower lip and asked nervously, “Are you going to take me back in the asylum?” _

_ “You will stay in another place. And you can keep your medication if that's what you are worried about.”  He said and returned to his previous position,  staring out the window.  _

_ “And--you?” _

_ “What about me?” He raised an eyebrow at her. _

_ “Will you still come to visit me?” _

_ “Do you want me to?” He knew the answer, but he had to hear her say it. _

_ “Yes,” she said hesitantly. _

_ Carrie backed a little away from the window and narrowed her eyes at his lower back to see a packet peeking out of the back pocket of his jeans.  _

_ He grinned, side-eyeing her. “What, are you checking me out?” _

_ She laughed a bit, shaking her head, “No. I’m not. I just... Can I have a cigarette?” she asked, despite her thirst, her parched throat. _

_ He reached into his back pocket and pulled the packet out. _

_ “I didn’t know you as a smoker.” She said. _

_ “I don’t use to be. Just sometimes.” He pulled a cigarette out for her, cupping his hand against the breeze as she leaned over for a light. He took out a cigarette of his own and lighted it. “I have been tired. Stressed. It has been a rough week.” He said as he blew smoke over his shoulder. _

_ Carrie narrowed her eyes. “Have you been in Cyprus these days?” _

_ The sunset had given way to the dusky blue of early evening, but even in the low light she could see the way his eyes darken as they moved over her face. _

_ “How do you know?” He tilted his head at her, blowing smoke out of the side of his mouth. _

_ “The warning messages in the packet... are written in Greek and Turkish.” She motioned the packet of cigarettes on the ledge.  _

_ “And? Have you ever been in Cyprus?” he asked curiously. _

_ “No, but I know it’s the only country who has both these as official languages.” she said,  shrugging. _

_ “Then I must say I’m impressed.” He smirked around his cigarette. “Don’t tell me, do you speak Turkish?” _

_ “No,” she shook her head. “But I have worked some months there and I can recognize it.” _

_ He sighed. “You know what? Do you remember when I told you about two of my agents being captured there?” _

_ “Yeah, I remember.” _

_ “Dead. Tortured to death.” He said on an exhale. _

_ There was a pause as Carrie frowned just slightly. “Should I feel guilty?” _

_ “No, not if you knew nothing. I think you should feel lucky. Definitially you're more lucky than them.” _

_ “Because you saved me.” She looked at him and waited for his reaction, but he remained composed. _

_ Another pause. _

_ “I know how it feels to come home with a colleague in a box. Or when you have to call their families to tell them they are gone. Without explanation.” It vexed him that she knew more about him than he did her. But it only spurred him to push further information from her lips. _

_ “Do you?” _

_ “I do. I’m the best on that.” She said with a snort. “Sometimes things have gone wrong.” It came to her mind all the shitty things happened in Islamabad. _

_ “Yeah.” _

_ “But doesn’t bother you?” _

_ He tilted his head to look at her thoughtful expression. _

_ “I know what you’re thinking. The answer is, I only live once … and I’m going to make the most of what life I have left in this cruel world.” Again she seemed to correctly interpret his thoughts. _

_ They stayed in the same position in silence, elbows resting on the window ledge, stealing sideways glances at one another, but Yevgeny caught her squinting at him intently. _

_ “What?” he demanded, honing in on her.  _

_ “Nothing,” Carrie said, relaxing her squint. “There’s nothing.” _

_ He looked far from convinced. “Yeah, right,” he smirked. “You’re thinking something. What?” _

_ She frowned, rolling her shoulders back. “Nothing. Jesus.” _

_ “Come on. I spend all day watching people try to bullshit me and everyone else. Ain’t no ‘nothing’ happening in there right now.” _

_ Carrie heaved a sigh, half annoyed that he wouldn’t let it go and half intrigued that he spotted her introspection in the first place. “It’s nothing. Just --” She shrugged aimlessly, puffing on her cigarette. “This is just...this is weird.” _

_ He brought his cigarette up to his mouth, slowly, watching her carefully. “Weird how?” _

_ Carrie looked up at the sky, letting the smoke from her last drag escape through her lips in soft clouds. When she started speaking, she talked to the stars. “I don’t know. I don't usually talk to anyone this much. It’s fucking weird for me, okay?” _

_ She might as well have just professed her affection for him, but she watched a flash of some emotion go through his eyes, too quick for her to catch when she finally met his eyes. _

_ “It’s not in my nature.” She said with a nervous breath of laughter. _

_ “You are one of ‘Have a drink and shut up’.” _

_ “Exactly.” She nodded. _

_ “I used to be the same way. But we don’t have any drinks here, so...” he said, smirk playing at his lips. _

_ She gave him back a wan smile. “Thanks for the cigarette,” she said and turned around to go back to her room. He turned around and leaned on the window ledge. He couldn't see Carrie’s face, only her silhouette moving into the dark of her room until she switched the light on. She sat on her bed. _

_ He stayed a few minutes there, staring at her in silence, before he said “I’m going now. See you tomorrow.” _


	13. I’m your prisoner

> Day 88
> 
> Today I moved to another place. It's pretty much like a room instead of a prison cell. It’s in an old building, inside of a military place. 
> 
> I was trying to sleep but the bed isn’t comfortable, or maybe I just want some time to adapt.
> 
> I don't know how long I will stay here and Omega didn't tell me that. Maybe he doesn't know either. He looked more serious today or maybe I just have forgotten who he is. However the thing I find most striking are his eyes, even when he isn’t smiling his eyes make you feel like he is. There is definitely something seductive about him.

_ ~~~~~~~~~~ Back to the asylum ~~~~~~~~~~ _

_ Carrie had been waiting all day.  She looked out the window, the night had fallen. She sighed, she was horribly bored, she had been ready to leave the hospital since the morning.  But still no sign of Yevgeny. Maybe they didn’t want to for her to watch where they would take her. She was wondering what would happen next. She was walking across the room when she heard the sound of the door click open. She turned quickly to see who had just entered.  _

_ Of course, it was  Yevgeny. He didn’t have the same expression on his face, at least not the one of the day before. He had a serious look. Carrie noticed two other men, staying outside her room. He inclined his head in greeting, looking at her. _

_ “We're leaving,” he said quietly. “Give me your things to put them in the bag.” _

_ She put on a chair some clothes, the book he had given to her, and a toothbrush. _

_ “Anything else?” He asked, raising an eyebrow. _

_ “No.” She barely said, without looking at him. _

_ Yevgeny approached and stood in front of her, he got his face closer to hers. _

_ “You sure?” He asked, but she didn’t dare to move. “Carrie.” He got even closer to her. “Don’t make me check on you,” he whispered. _

_ A thrill of something went up her spine at the realization. After a few seconds of stares she swallowed hard and took what she was hiding in the inside pocket of her jacket, the notebook of course, and handed it to him.  _

_ “Please--” _

_ “I will give it back to you later.” He said as stepped back and put the things in the bag. _

_ She remained silent for a few seconds. He returned to face her again and it was not a real surprise to see him taking a pair of handcuffs out of his pocket. He  reached out for her wrist  and put handcuffs around them, leaning over her. _

_ “Sorry for handcuffs.” He whispered and inclined his head in the direction of the other agents.  _

_ Carrie turned her head briefly before looking at Yevgeny again. “It’s okay, I’m your prisoner.” She murmured and he blinked at her. _

_They headed to the door to go out, and walked downstairs where a large SUV was parked in front of the hospital. Yevgeny opened the door for her and slipped into the car after her. The two other agents got in the front seat. _

_ They rode quietly down a highway  while most of the time she looked out the window.  She noticed  Yevgeny  watching her  every few minutes . He noticed her glances. Neither of them was willing to do anything about it. He made himself think of what would happen to her next, the kind of place she would go, and the odds of her ever leaving. _

_ After half an hour they turned off the main stretch of road onto a quieter, more desolate path. They stopped in front of a large gate where a guard came to greet them. Yevgeny talked with him and she heard the guard saying something with the word ‘amerikanets’ and she turned her head to look at him. He was grinning at her and she wanted to shout ‘Fuck you, asshole!’ but instead she took a deep breath as realized that the only fucked here was her. _

_ They passed the gate and approached some old buildings. The car stopped in front of a large building, its brick exterior showing signs of the same kind of age she was starting to feel in her limbs as she dragged herself out of the car. She stared up at the building before slowly climbing the front stairs. _

_ They went through a security door and then they led her to the room that was at the end of the corridor. The metal door was closed. A guard who was standing outside the door opened it and entered the room.  _

_ It was damp when she walked inside. She looked around as she followed him in, dark olive green walls, a single light bulb loosely hanging from the ceiling, a bed near the wall, a small window with bars above the bed, a table with some chairs and a door that she assumed it was a bathroom. _

_ Yevgeny approached her to remove the handcuffs. When she could hear the key shifting in the locking mechanism, she saw that his eyes were gentle, as though he wouldn't dare hurt a hair on her head. _

_ He wanted to ask her how she was, if she was tired or hungry,  but he didn’t because the others were there and could hear him.  Instead  his hands gently stroked her wrists before letting her go. _

_ Suddenly one of the agents abruptly handed her a small pile of clothing he had taken from outside. _

_ “Get dressed.” He ordered coldly. _

_ Carrie took the clothes and headed to the bathroom.  _

_ “Wait!” He said and she stopped and turned around again. “Right here.” He ordered and Yevgeny turned his head in his direction. _

_ Her eyes widened. She remained motionless but kept staring at him with a dismayed and upset look. _

_ “It’s not necessary!” Yevgeny shouted. _

_ “We have to check her--” _

_ “I said. No.” Yevgeny gave him a threatening look. He turned his head to look at Carrie and pointed towards the bathroom door in silence. He stared back at his agent. “Your work is done here, both of you can leave.” He said and looked at the other man, standing in front of the door. _

_ Meanwhile Carrie walked into the bathroom and closed the door behind her. She heard Yevgeny's voice in the next room and then the other men’s footsteps got away. It was quiet again. She examined the room, a shower tile, a sink and a mirror, toilet, a towel rail… It looked like a normal bathroom. _

_ She walked to the sink to freshen her face. She opened the tap, leaned over and splashed water on it. She then grabbed a towel that was lying nearby and wiped her face as she stood right again. When she dropped the towel, her eyes met her reflection in the mirror. She looked at herself for a little while. Sometimes she needed to see herself in the mirror and think, to put her ideas in place and to meditate. It was like it reassuring her and helping her to move on. _

_ Carrie still remained motionless for a few moments before she took the clothes. A black tank top, and a blue jumpsuit. She didn’t think any longer and got changed. Once dressed, she walked to the door to leave but stopped after laying her hand on the handle. She exhaled heavily and turned it. She left the bathroom. _

_ Yevgeny was still there, standing on foot. He looked at her and held her gaze a few seconds. He looked like he was waiting for something. _

_ Carrie stayed a few steps away from him while she looked around the room, at the table, at the bed, at anywhere but him, and Yevgeny tilted his head, finding her eyes again. _

_ “What are you thinking of?” Yevgeny asked, and Carrie hesitated before speaking. _

_ “This is my new fucking place.” She bit her lip. “And I don’t know how long I will stay here.” _

_ She waited for him to respond and was surprised when he didn’t, instead moving silently to go out and leaving her by herself in the middle of the room. Carrie sank into an empty chair as he disappeared, her head encased in her hands, two fingers pressed into the side of her skull. _

_ Suddenly, the metal door opened with a shrill squeak. Yevgeny slowly entered the room, holding a bag, the one with her things. He approached Carrie and put it on the table. _

_ “You okay?” He asked but she didn’t answer. “Have you eaten anything?” He added. _

_ “I’m not hungry.” Carrie said quietly and looked up at him. _

_ “There is a guard outside the door, if you need something you can call him.” He said and walked to the door to leave. _

_ “Yevgeny?”  _

_ He turned at the sound of her voice, giving her an inquisitive look. “What?”  _

_ “You know, I need my medications.” She said and continued to look at him, still sitting on the chair, a look of fear and nervousness in her eyes.  _

_ Yevgeny nodded, and she sagged slightly in relief. “You will have them tomorrow.” He assured her, and then said quieter, “Good night.”, before he left the room. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone, I think this was the last chapter for this year 😊
> 
> It has been a weird year but I’m glad we have had a wonderful season of Homeland.  
> I admit it, I have been a Carrie/Quinn big shipper from the start and before the s8 started I didn't have high expectations for it. In fact I was hoping for Quinn to show up. (lol, I have made a promo video too for that 🙈). And I remember I started watching s8 after the first three episodes. C/Y interaction really got to me. Since then I watched every episode week by week, waking up at six o’clock in the morning every sunday (as the episode released at 12 AM ET). Since that beautiful ending, I didn’t stop thinking of these two.
> 
> These several months have been really wonderful and I’m glad to be part of this community. Of course I have made new friends, I really got a lot from this fandom, and I hope I have given something as well. So far this year I have made 13 C/Y videos (check out the playlist [here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pZA4PhPCo0s&list=PLOcEjdfpiEtHHZAcERLnJd42O89kukEN2&index=1) ) and I have written my first ever fanfic.
> 
> Now I'm in the middle of this story, that one I always wanted to know and I’m enjoying it very much.
> 
> I want to thank you all for your wonderful comments and for leaving kudos.
> 
> I want to wish all the Homeland fic writers and readers HAPPY NEW YEAR and all the best for you and your families!!! 🎄🎁⭐🥳❤️
> 
> Stay safe!
> 
> See you next year (in a few days 😎) !!!


	14. Someone to Watch over Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My first work for this new year :))) 
> 
> Thanks so much for all the sweet comments I received in the previous chapters, it helps fuel me.
> 
> And Happy New Year 2021!!!

> Day 89
> 
> First day in this place, I’m trying to adapt. I’m locked up and I can’t go outside, but it’s not that I expected otherwise. It’s more quiet here. Omega came in the evening and brought me the pills. I’m thankful for that. But I don't know how to behave with him. A part of me tells me he is playing a good cop game. I asked him why he keeps coming here and he told me he wants me to be okay. I don’t know what to think.

_~~~~~~~~~~ Back to the asylum ~~~~~~~~~~_

_When Yevgeny came in the evening, Carrie was asleep in the bed. Her head rested against the headboard, her fingers still held her place in the book, even as it threatened to fall to the floor._

_He made his way to her bedside where there was already a chair waiting for him. She looked like an angel prisoner of hell. He was this hell. At least he had convinced Mirov that if they wanted her to be valuable, she should stay in a better place, instead of any prison cell. This room was the best she could get._

_Yevgeny sighed at his thoughts. He leaned down and slowly took the book from her hand._

_Carrie startled awake, looked up at him through bleary eyes. “Yevgeny?”_

_Ignoring the headache that loomed just behind his eyes, he shook his head. “I didn’t mean to startle you. Go back to sleep.”_

_“I’m--I’m up,” she said and sat up. “I didn’t mean to fall asleep. Where did you come?”_

_“Just now. I came to bring you these.” He said and dug into one of his pockets and took a bottle of pills._

_He handed it to Carrie who took it with a grateful nod. “I thought you changed your mind.”_

_He shook his head. “No. I just got stuck at work.”_

_“Just a moment, I have to take one.” She said and got up from the bed. She went into the bathroom and closed the door behind her._

_Carrie leaned against it smiling, color rising in her cheeks, heat spread across her face all the way into her hairline. A spark of pain bloomed on her left hand as she pinched it, hard, just to be certain this wasn’t another one of her dreams--one that had just seemed more real than the others. But no, she wasn’t dreaming. Not this time, anyway._

_But another, more terrifying thought filled her mind. What if he was playing with her again? She remembered what he did to her on the first days, the smirk on his lips when he told her that the pill she had taken was just sugar. It felt so long ago._

_She took a deep breath. No, this time she had to be sure he wasn’t playing. So she walked to the sink, took one pill out and split the capsule in two halves. She put the powder inside a glass of water and drank it. It had a bitter taste. She breathed out in relief._

_When Carrie came out of the bathroom, she saw Yevgeny sitting in the chair beside her bed, flipping the book on his lap. She walked and sat back on the bed, as if nothing had happened._

_“Did you like the book?” He asked, flipping through it._

_“Yeah, I think I will finish it in the next two days.”_

_Yevgeny nodded, with a surprised look on his face._

_“I want to...thank you. For the pills.” She said, changing the topic of the discussion. There was nothing but sincerity in those words._

_He inclined his head and a corner of his mouth came up in a wry smile, but he didn’t respond. They remained silent, gazing into each other's eyes for a little while._

_“Well, I should get going. You should probably rest.” He suddenly said and stood up from his chair._

_“Stay, please. Just a little. Please.”_

_Turning around, he saw Carrie pleaded with him and he couldn’t ignore her, he smiled and went to sit again on the chair, letting his long legs stretch out before him. "I'll stay here as long as you need."_

_Carrie looked at him with a smile. She might have felt like she was asking something of him, but if he was honest with himself, he was glad to have a reason to stay. He liked being around her. Something more lurked in the back of his mind, a thought that refused to make itself known, but also refused to leave. He tried to make sense of it, but it yielded no answers to the mystery it held, and so he decided to let it be._

_They fell into a comfortable silence for a long time. He leaned against the back of the chair and closed his eyes, resting his hands behind his head._

_“Are you okay?” She asked with a hint of concern._

_“Just a headache.”_

_Carrie tried to understand what was going on in his mind. But it was impossible. She couldn’t understand him. But how could she if she wasn’t even able to understand herself! When Yevgeny wasn’t with her, she thought of him, she wanted him to be near her. But when he was with her, she was afraid of him, of his intentions. What did he want? And she surely would never have an answer to that question._

_But somehow she wanted to ask him, even if just only to provoke him. So, after a few minutes she asked hesitantly. “Can I ask a question?”_

_“Go ahead.” He replied, his eyes still closed._

_“It has been three weeks since…” Carrie stopped and Yevgeny opened his eyes to look at her. “Why are you keep coming?” She simply asked._

_He craned his neck. “I brought your medications.”_

_“No, not only for today.” She said and stared at him, waiting._

_He raised a questioning eyebrow at her. “Because you asked me to?”_

_Carrie exhaled a short laugh. “Come on, I’m not fucking dumb.” She climbed onto her bed, folding her legs underneath her. “I’m onto you,” she added._

_Yevgeny leaned forward and put his elbows on his knees. “What do you mean?”_

_“You pretend you’re taking care of me, but I know you are playing a good cop game, you are playing at something.”_

_He looked at her, puzzled. It was the first time she had ever seen that quick brain of his take longer than a few seconds to figure something out. “I’m not. I just want to make sure you are okay. I--” He said and stopped, brows furrowing._

_“I get it, you’re here to watch over me. But after everything that’s happened, I don’t think I need someone to watch over me.”_

_“Well, this is all because of ‘everything’ that’s happened.” He paused. “Look, if you want me to leave, I can just do it, but it looks like you are contradicting yourself.”_

_She kept his gaze for a while and then looked down at her hands. She hated when he turned the situations in his favor and now she didn’t know how to respond._

_“So Carrie, what do you want me to do?”_

_“I don’t know what I want. I really don’t.” She lay down in her bed and put the pillow in her face. “You can leave. I want to sleep now.” She said after a minute._

_Her words shocked him a little bit. He stood up and when he saw that she wasn’t going to look back at him, he said, “Доброй ночи! (Good night!)” and left the room._

_She lay on her stomach and burrowed her face into the cool side of the pillow, trying to get comfortable. But she didn’t fall asleep immediately, more specifically, she couldn’t sleep. All through the restless night, she thought of Yevgeny._


	15. What I’m Going To Do

> Day 100
> 
> My days have been so monotonous, I’m stuck in my room, waiting on the annoying guard to give me food three times a day. I finished the book and I have started to reread it again. Omega hasn't come these days.

> Day 105
> 
> After two weeks here, today I went for a walk with Omega. It was a sunny day. He came in the morning and we stayed outside for a while. I told him something about my cute ginger and how fucked up I am. He held me closely and told me I’m a strong person and he will care for me. There was a tenderness in his hands and in his eyes, a measure of care and affection that I didn’t see there before. It drew me in. I just hope that one day I can have the courage to tell him how much he means to me here.

_~~~~~~~~~~ Back to the asylum ~~~~~~~~~~_

_Carrie was lost in her thoughts. She was motionless on her chair, her elbow on the table, her head resting on her hand and staring into space. But suddenly she got out of this state of torpor when she heard the door lock open. She sat up. It was the guard._

_“Come with me.” He simply said._

_When she got outside she saw Yevgeny, standing a few steps away. It had been a while since his last visit._

_“Hey.”_

_“Hey.”_

_“Where are we going?” She asked the question with her usual bland tone, but there was an emotion behind it only she could identify. There was an excitement welling up in her, as though she knew the answer already._

_“Just around. I thought you need some fresh air.” He said with a smile._

_They started walking slowly in the yard. After they walked in silence for a long time, they approached a small garden with decorative flowers. It reminded her of the flowers Franny drew at her preschool._

_A flood of memories washed over her. She remembered their last day when Franny asked if she was coming back. Her words echoed in her mind. ‘Of course I’m coming back, I always come back.’ She didn’t think at the time she would go for ‘all in’ mode and she would be captured by Russians._

_Three months had passed. She wondered if Maggie told her where she was. Carrie wanted to know if her daughter drew pictures for her every day as she was told. And if she would be included in future family drawings._

_She didn’t know for how much time she would be away from her daughter and if Franny even wanted her to come back._

_My god, what if-_

_"Take a deep breath."_

_The sound of Yevgeny’s voice startled her out of her spiraling thoughts. "What?"_

_He was typing something on his phone, seemingly preoccupied and for a moment she thought she had imagined it, but then he spoke again, "Your breathing is rapid and irregular. Take a deep breath before you start to hyperventilate."_

_Realizing that she was in fact on the verge of hyperventilating she took a moment to breathe deeply, feeling it flow through her and edge out a little bit of the tension._

_"Good," he approved, putting his phone in his pocket and turning his attention fully on to her. "Now, are you going to tell me why you’re on the verge of having a panic attack?"_

_She took a moment to think on how to respond, trying to get her jumbled thoughts in order. "I just… I’m not sure this is a good idea."_

_"Why is that?" He asked again and looked at her._

_Carrie heaved a sigh and when she saw that he wouldn’t let it go, she said, “I was thinking of my daughter. Before I came here in Moscow, I told her I had to go to work far away and she asked if I was coming back. And now I don’t know for how long she will be waiting for me.”_

_“How old is she?”_

_“Four.”_

_“Did you leave someone to take care of her?” He asked carefully._

_“Yes, my sister. In fact, she took Franny's custody just before I left.” She sighed and took a deep breath. “At first I wasn’t sure if it was the right thing, but now I know. At least she will be safe with my sister.” She took a few steps and continued, “I’m not good at her, I never was.”_

_Yevgeny observed her intently. “Why do you think that?”_

_“Because of my past decisions, because of my job. I remember the first months after she was born, it was really hard, I couldn’t deal with my own child. I chose my job before her and I went to work in Kabul.” She said slowly._

_Another, perhaps even more terrifying thought filled her racing mind. “And sometimes I put her in dangerous situations. One day, when she was a baby, I slipped her head underwater in the bath. There was a fucking moment when I considered drowning my baby.” She stopped walking and covered her face with her hands._

_“I’m tired of fucking up.” A strangled sob escaped from the back of her throat and the tears she tried to hide finally raced down her cheeks._

_Yevgeny reached out to touch her shoulder, to offer comfort. He startled when she leaned into him and he brought her in a tight embrace. Her body trembled against his. She buried her face into his chest, her tears would probably ruin his jacket, but at this point, Carrie found it hard to care. Yevgeny said nothing of that matter, he only let her cry. She needed it._

_The feeling of his fingers rubbing circles into her back was so soothing that she just closed her eyes and let the flood of tears she’d been holding back fall, like a dam breaking under too much pressure._

_They stayed like that for a while. This was the closest that they had ever been in the months they knew each other._

_“You haven’t fucked anything up,” he said when her tears subsided, the words tickled the hair at the top of her head._

_Carrie laughed into his chest. “That’s not true and you know it.”_

_“I know that you are a strong person, Carrie. In fact, you are the strongest person I have ever met.” He said, an edge to his voice Carrie had never heard before._

_She took a deep breath and pulled a little away, so she finally looked up at him. Her eyes were bloodshot. Carrie flushed under his gaze, but didn't reply._

_“And you just… need someone to take care of you that’s all… and that’s what I’m going to do.”_

_Casting him a look of utter disbelief she shook her head to his conviction. “You shouldn’t have to take care of me –”_

_“Well I’m going to, Carrie, whether you like it or not.” He cut her off._

_Carrie rolled her eyes. “Don’t I get a say in this?”_

_“No. You don’t.”_

_Her glossy eyes gazed at his, clocking the confidence, the security he was offering her. She was silent, eyes narrowing ever so slightly as she contemplated. “Your arrogance is commendable Yevgeny.”_

_“Is that your way of thanking me?” His almost flirty response had her chuckling with a brief shake of her head at his brazen attitude._

_Even if she knew, with him, she would never win in a war of words._


	16. Lost on Journeys We Walked On

> Day 127
> 
> I have not written these days. Omega comes once or twice a week, mostly in the afternoons to visit me, and most of the time we walk in the yard or around the buildings. Today I told him something about my life in Berlin.

_~~~~~~~~~~ Back to the asylum ~~~~~~~~~~_

_The walks with Yevgeny became part of Carrie’s weekly routine. This time, when they walked outside, they crossed the path of a few soldiers that looked at Carrie strangely. She continued nonetheless on her way._

_They kept walking in silence and she caught him glancing sidelong at her every once in a while._

_“What’s wrong?” Carrie looked up at him with a frown._

_“Nothing. I’m waiting for you to tell me anything.”_

_“Like what?”_

_“I don’t know, something to talk about, maybe something beautiful, happy.” He smiled wryly._

_“Beautiful? Happy? What is that?” She said with a chuckle._

_“Why not?”, Yevgeny challenged._

_Carrie’s lips twitch up into a smirk. “Looks like an impossible mission!”_

_“Come on, you have to try.” When he saw her expression hesitant, he continued, “Okay then, what was your last time you have been happy?_

_She looked at him thoughtfully as she considered her answer. “Maybe when I quit working for the CIA and moved to Germany, two years ago. I had a family, a boyfriend, a job. I think it was pretty nice until everything turned upside down.” She rolled her eyes._

_“Why? What happened to you?” He continued to look at her._

_Carrie narrowed her eyes as she contemplated. “I bet you know that.”_

_“I don’t understand.” He looked down with a slight frown._

_“Since the Russians wanted me dead, I bet you knew about it.”_

_“No, I don’t know anything.” Yevgeny replied with a cocky eyebrow raised._

_“Well, I don’t believe you.” She looked at him expectantly, raising an eyebrow._

_“Look, I wasn’t behind that.” When he saw this wouldn’t be enough to convince her, he continued, “I have been in Syria at that time. Okay?”_

_She hesitated before speaking, “Doing what?”_

_“Helping to finish the war you Americans started at first?!” He replied, frustration boiling over as he tried to keep his voice level._

_“And how will the Syrian regime finish it? By using chemical weapons in the fighting there?”_

_“Look, I don’t want to debate with you, but, you know, they would never admit their involvement in chemical weapons use, for as long as nobody couldn't verify who used them.”_

_Carrie remained silent for a few seconds before she said, “I had a friend who spent two years there. And after that he went through a group of jihadists who had planned a chemical weapons attack in Berlin.”_

_“I remembered the video they released.” Yevgeny said and gave her a questioning look, when she took a deep breath. “Was he your friend?”_

_She nodded slightly._

_“They averted the releasing of the gas in the subway.”_

_“I--,” she said. She swallowed. “It was me.”_

_“Who was?”_

_“Who found the target and stopped them.” She sighed, unclenching her fists that had just begun to dig into her palms._

_“What?!” He shook his head, looking at her in surprise._

_“Yeah, things happened.”, she stated._

_“What about your friend?” He watched her face as he asked, the muscles in her cheek twitching slightly beneath an otherwise stony expression._

_“I--” She swallowed hard. “He suffered a massive brain hemorrhage and after that he had a partial paralysis.” She thought at first to tell him that was because of her decision to wake him up from the coma but she didn’t speak anymore._

_“Was there something between you two?” Yevgeny asked. When she glanced up at him, he was looking at her._

_“Why do you ask?” Carrie fought to hide her emotions._

_“I don’t know, from the way you speak for him.”_

_She bit the inside of her lip. “He loved me. But I think I wasn’t able to love him in the same way.”_

_“And where is he now?”, he asked, quiet, tone neutral._

_“He is dead. He was killed protecting President-elect Keane and me in an assassination attempt.” She almost forgot she was talking with the person who engineered the downfall of President Keane._

_They walked in silence a few minutes before approaching a small building, where a soldier was standing in front of the main door. He made a slight sign to Yevgeny to come. Yevgeny began to walk towards him. Carrie followed close behind until he stopped her with a soft, "Stay here!", before going in with the soldier. It was not quite an order, but it could be._

_By the way, Yevgeny left her alone, she could have escaped, although it wasn’t anymore her intention. Nonetheless, did it mean he trusted her? Maybe. Or maybe he was sure she hadn’t any chance about it… It didn’t matter._

_She took a few steps and approached a building that looked like a warehouse. There were some soldiers around her, she was not comfortable at all._

_She was waiting, but Yevgeny was still not there, she looked around her, turning her head to all sides. But suddenly, she felt a powerful hand grab her arm firmly._

_“What are you doing here?” The man asked, growling._

_She first heard the voice, the accent she hadn’t heard anywhere else. Then she turned her head to look at him, he looked like a soldier. She tried to break free of his grip but he did not let go and used his other hand to firmly grab her other wrist. She looked at him with fear and anger. “I was--”_

_“I recognize you, you're the American.” He cut her off. “But you’re not supposed to be here!" He stated._

_That's right, she shouldn’t have been here. But she came with Yevgeny, and apparently, he wasn’t aware of that._

_“You're coming with me!” He started to pull her to make her move but she resisted._

_“Let me go, you son of a bitch!” Carrie shouted._

_“Hey! It's okay, she's with me!” A voice shouted from behind them._

_She turned quickly to watch Yevgeny. He walked quickly to the both of them and once close enough, he told the soldier something in Russian and then he let her go and walked away._

_Yevgeny turned to Carrie, he looked a little angry. “Where the fuck were you, I told you to wait there!”_

_“Uh, what is wrong with you people?! I was just walking around!” she said, rubbing at her wrist._

_“Good. So you do know how to follow orders.” He grunted, clearly making a sly comment to her not listening to him when he told her to stay there._

_They stared at each other. Finally, his gaze softened. "Come on, let’s go back", he said softly._

_They started to walk back when Yevgeny asked, “What did you tell him to piss him off?”_

_She furrowed her brows and shrugged. “Nothing, I don’t even know who he is.”_

_“Yeah, what is that? Son of a bitch, huh?” He smirked, tilting his head slightly._

_She looked like she was trying very hard not to smile, but finally she did, giving him a rare flash of teeth._

_They arrived at the building and before Carrie stepped into the security door, Yevgeny said with a smirk, “I’m going now, please don’t mess around.”_

_"You're really not as funny as you think you are," Carrie said, but she was still smiling when she sighed. "Right, okay. I will try.”_

_With that being said, she left him and walked towards the hallway._


	17. Alone Together

> Day 140
> 
> Today was a nice day. Omega came and we went outside. He told me he likes spending time with me. And he almost admitted he comes here on his own accord. I remember a day when I was in hospital, he said something like that, but I was too busy blaming him.
> 
> I have begun to realize we are more similar than we are different. Well, I don’t know what happened to me, I must be mad. I worry that this thing with Omega is not good for me and, honestly, I feel quite guilty because of it. Being with him would certainly make me fall down, but lately I've found that I'd rather spend my time with him than with the demons in my mind.

_~~~~~~~~~~ Back to the asylum ~~~~~~~~~~_

_When Yevgeny came, Carrie noticed as he stepped inside that he looked somehow different. Dressed in dark jeans and a plain blue hoodie jacket, his hair coiffed in his usual finger-combed manner, he gave her the strangest feeling of familiarity. Carrie shoved that thought back into the ‘Not possible’ category of her brain._

_"Day off today?" She asked, keeping her stare on him._

_"How did you guess?"_

_"Because you look nice." The words slipped out before she was even given herself a chance to think it through properly and now a blush rose in her cheeks._

_"As opposed to every other day?" He said with a smirk._

_"No. You look... different than every other day." She could see he was obviously holding back a smile._

_He pulled the chair out from under the table and seated himself, crossing one leg over the other._

_“You don’t have to stay inside with me,” Carrie said, a few minutes later._

_“I’m fine. I like...spending time with you.”_

_Did he actually just fucking say that? She looked at him, her expression a little surprised._

_“Does that bother you?”, he asked._

_She approached the table and sat in a chair, in front of him. “You really want to know the truth?”_

_“I wouldn’t be asking otherwise.”_

_Her mouth opened and shut twice before she seemed able to get the words out. “I’m lonely … and I think you are too.”_

_He clenched his jaw. She had hit a nerve, a painful one._

_“Carrie.”_

_“Please, correct me if I’m wrong.”_

_He continued to glance at her, his mouth parting as if to say something, but would close again without a word passing through his lips. He said nothing, the silence speaking louder than words._

_His head tilted and he gave her a look of perplexion. “I thought you said you wanted me to come here?”_

_“I did. However, You don’t have to come on your days off.” She paused for a while and put her elbows on the table. “I'm just curious, what you write in your reports.”_

_She saw a flicker in his eyes but she couldn't figure it out. Holding her gaze Yevgeny replied with a shrug, “Nothing. I don’t have to. You think that I write about this?...” his gesture took in both of them, “No.”_

_Carrie couldn't resist expressing genuine surprise, having heard these words. She took a questioning expression. “Why is that? Come on, I know how it works.” She leaned back in the chair, “Only if you come here on your own and don’t tell anybody about your every visit.” She uttered the words like he would be in trouble._

_He stared at her without answering, just tilted his head slightly. She knew it was his way of admitting things._

_Now she got him. Why he almost always had come in the late afternoon. Understood why he was here today. She stared at him for a few seconds as he remained silent. But she couldn’t figure out why he was acting this way. She first thought it was one of his little games he liked to play, she thought he was acting this way to manipulate or use her in some way. But this gaze was so much different. It seemed like he hadn’t any reason to act that way, except for..._

_“It’s a beautiful day outside, let's take a few steps.” His voice interrupted her train of thoughts._

_She stood up and followed him outside._

_The light blinded her, but a gentle breeze caressed her face. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She missed going outside so much._

_They walked in the yard that was filled with soldiers. They were all looking at Carrie. She lowered her head as if to hide herself from their eyes. Like every time she went out, they stared at her and she could hear their whispers. She quickened her pace to get closer to Yevgeny and took his arm as if to protect herself._

_He smiled slightly as he felt her tiny hand squeeze his arm. “They won’t do anything to you, they are not stupid enough!” He stated with a chuckle._

_They kept on walking. Carrie tried to ignore the soldiers and keep up with Yevgeny. They arrived at a square with planted trees and many benches in the center._

_“Can we stay here for a while?” Carrie suggested, pointing to an empty bench. He nodded, and the two walked over to take a seat._

_They stood in silence for a while, not really knowing what to say to one another._

_Carrie's hands rested between them on the bench and her fingers had nervously started tapping ten minutes ago. He couldn’t take it any longer and reached his hand out and placed it on hers without thinking._

_“Could you stop?” He said softly. She looked up at him and their eyes met. She didn’t pull her hand away and suddenly he was aware of their contact._

_He thought to take his hand away from hers, but she surprised him when she turned her palm over and laced their fingers together, making his body freeze upon the sudden action. It was vexing to think that this gesture from her was all it took to immobilize him, yet he couldn’t find the will in him to pull away. He gave her a questioning glance but any words he wished to say were soon lost from the intense gaze of her eyes._

_This thing between them was like an elastic band. There was so much distance that could be put between them before the band snapped and brought them back together. He didn’t have a name for it, but he never expected it to be so strong, so resilient, after only knowing her for a few months._

_And he knew that when Carrie got nervous or when she looked at him like that, she would have wondered to ask something. “Carrie, do you want to ask me anything?”, he murmured._

_Her eyes moved down at their joined hands. “I know this is a lot to ask. I understand if you can’t answer...”_

_“What?” he said, squeezing her hand and leaning in closer to get her to look at him._

_Carrie still wouldn’t look his way. “Has there been any negotiation for my release so far?”, she asked slowly. She looked up at him and she could see a little disappointment in his face. Definitely this wasn’t the kind of question he was expecting._

_Yevgeny just looked at her for a few seconds. “Yes, but nothing to deal yet.”, he said, deadpan._

_“What will happen to me then?”_

_He hated that quiet in her voice. Like she was scared of him all of the sudden._

_“You will be fine.” he replied quietly, choosing his words carefully._

_She unclasped her hand from his when she realized their hands were still connected and she took a deep breath. She turned her head to look away, trying to hide the flush starting to build in her face._

_He leaned on the back of the bench and rested his arm along the top of it. “You don't trust me?” He asked, a small frown formed on his face._

_She leaned back, her shoulder close enough that, if she were brave enough, she could lean against him. With his arm resting just inches from her shoulders, Carrie could only imagine what it would be like to have him hold her close._

_She gave him a sad smile when she looked up at him. She tensed, “I’m not sure,” she admitted, feeling like she couldn’t be totally honest, like there was a part of her she needed to carefully guard because she was not sure how badly she was going to get burned. “You should have learned by now that trust is not in my nature.”, she continued._

_He sighed. “I know that Carrie and I’m not judging you for it. Our way of thinking is similar so I understand your reasons to show discernment.”_

_She didn't say anything to that, and the silence bloomed out between them._

_“Does that change anything?” He asked in a level voice after a while. He turned his head to look at her, and his face was much closer than she expected._

_The play of emotions there was fascinating; first a quick look of surprise at their proximity, then interest when she didn’t move away, then a flash of his usual cockiness that faded out into something like a cautious invitation. She found him so easy to read that she actually had to remind herself who he is._

_Carrie’s breath caught in her throat. “No,” she said finally on an exhale, and getting up slowly. She muttered something about how long they had been outside, that they should go back in. Anything to distract herself from how her heart was racing and her skin was tingling with an undeniable ache to be touched._

_And something about the crooked, half-nervous smile on his face said that she wasn’t fooling anyone._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I hope you enjoyed this chapter. I thought it was time for a warm up. 🥰😍 Was they playing with each other, or playing with their own feelings? Who knows. 😉


	18. Two minutes

> Day 145
> 
> Today was a rainy day. Omega came in the evening and while we were listening to some music he told me to forget all this for two minutes and invited me to dance with him. It felt so right, but wrong at the same time. And yet, when my lungs filled with his scent, and his body warmth seeped through my clothes, there was this instant where something in my chest soared. 
> 
> In those moments I wished time would stand still. Wished I could have the power to stop the hands of time, to freeze those moments, and never let it end. While we were dancing he told me something, something that I didn't expect. And I have a stupid smile in my face since he left.
> 
>   
>  4.8, 1.25,  4.2, 4.11, 1.13, 1.1, 1.20, 4.48,  1.25, 4.46, 1.25 

Carrie takes a deep breath, not surprised when it comes out in a shudder. What did he tell her? And all these words and thoughts. She looks at the numbers but suddenly she is afraid to find it out. She gets up and goes to make herself a cup of tea to aid another session of reading. Then she turns back with the cup in her hand and finds out that what she had written is h-e-a-d-m-i-r-e-s-m-e.

She sets the cup down on the table, slams it down to be precise, splattering tea on the table and getting the hot drink on her hand. She ignores the pain, all she sees is red but she flips another page of the notebook. She wants to know more, she wants to know how and why he told that to her. Why she can't remember anything about that?

  
  


_ ~~~~~~~~~~ Back to the asylum ~~~~~~~~~~ _

_ Carrie was motionless on her chair, resting her head against the table and she could still hear the rain pounding down outside. She lifted her head when she heard the door lock open. It was Yevgeny. _

_ “Hey,” a smile tugged at her lips when she saw him. _

_ “Carrie,” he smiled back at her. _

_ She motioned for him to take a seat. He sat himself down opposite her, and his gaze on her was familiar and close. Too close, intimate, and she blushed as she thought of it. _

_ She rested her head back against the chair, eyes on him. He had worn a black  topcoat , long sleeved blue shirt, his hair was messy and a little wet. She studied him, sank deeper in the chair, and realized that she was actually resting, right in front of him. She was sitting there and he, he was her safest enemy in this place, and his eyes were searching hers, for what, Carrie wasn’t sure. _

_ After a moment, he said, “You look tired, Carrie.” _

_ She shrugged a little. “Well, I didn't sleep much last night.” _

_ They fall into silence, the only noise being the heavy fall of rain against the window.  _

_ “Can you put something on? With the volume low?” She asked, after a long moment in silence. _

_ “What do you want to listen to?” _

_ Carrie shrugged. “I don’t know. What do you have?” _

_ Yevgeny thought about the new playlist he had created some days ago and shook his head. “My playlist might not be to your liking.” _

_ “I will not complain.” _

__

_ “Okay.” He dug into one of his pockets and pulled out his phone.  _

__

_ Accompanied by the rain, the music slowly echoed around the room.  _

__

_ She recognized the song, it was ‘The scientist’ by Coldplay.  _

__

_ “You are wrong. I like them.” She said with a smile. _

__

_ He smiled back at her. “I’m glad I don’t have to fight with you for something new. It’s not in my wishlist.” he smirked. _

__

_ Carrie looked at him with an arched brow and dared to ask, “What is in your wishlist?” _

_ Yevgeny tilted his head and replied, “My wish is that someday we gain something of an understanding between each other...a small bit of trust, at least.” _

_ “Are you certain that squandering your time on me is wise? After all, I’m here for a while. And I'm not giving you any information…,” she said with a shrug. _

_ Yevgeny held her gaze as he replied without hesitation. “Maybe so but I still wish to earn your trust, however long it takes.” _

_ Upon hearing his response, Carrie released a resigned sigh and shook her head with confusion over his relentless persistence. “Heh, you are truly stubborn, one that I’ll never fully decipher. I commend your determination, however to wish for trust in a person such as me is a fool's hope.” _

_ She stood up and walked toward the window. She tried to peer behind it, but jumped back as a thunder cracked overhead. “It’s really coming down out there.” _

_ “You’re not afraid of a little lightning, are you?”, he asked playfully. _

_ Carrie rolled her eyes. “We don’t get quite as many thunderstorms in D.C, that is all.” _

_ “I’ve a feeling you are not in D.C anymore,” Yevgeny said while he took off his topcoat, smirk playing at his lips. _

_ She couldn't see far beyond the water cascading down the glass, but she stood there until the next song started to play. It was ‘Gravity’ by Coldplay. _

_ Carrie turned back to Yevgeny to find him already looking at her. He was staring at her, as if he needed to memorize the contours of her face, as if he would need to sketch her features without a reference sometime in the future. _

_ This wasn’t the first time she caught him looking at her like this. While she was sitting back in the chair she thought to ask him about it. “Why are you staring at me so intensely?” _

_ He blinked and looked down at his hands where he toyed with his phone in his lap. “Actually, I was wondering if you would like to dance with me.” _

_ Carrie’s eyes widened in surprise and her mouth opened as if to speak yet not a single word was uttered past her lips. Yevgeny could hear the sound of his own heart profoundly drumming within his chest and each second that passed became unbearable as he anxiously awaited her response. The dragging silence cut worse than an iron blade and questions soon formed the longer she didn’t answer. Did he say something wrong? Was he too forward? Perhaps she was too tired to dance with him or maybe...she didn’t want to dance with him at all? _

_ He could not prevent his facial muscles from contracting slowly to reveal a softened smile on his lips. The flustered expression that her face betrayed was all the reward he needed to carry on. So he stood up, walked a few steps to approach her and held his hand out slowly. _

_ She smiled up at him, his tall frame haloed by the light in the ceiling.  _

_ “ Forget all this for two minutes.. Come on .” _

_ She looked at his hand that was waiting to be taken, then lifted her gaze to his eyes, and then took his hand as she stood up. _

_ He took hold of her hand and confidently pulled her close to him. A small hand came to gently rest on his shoulder as he wrapped his other hand around her waist. He can feel the warmth of her skin through the sleeve of his shirt. _

_ He laced his hand with hers, setting a slow pace as they began to move and sway.  _

Can you hear my heart beating

Can you hear that sound?

'Cause I can't help thinking

And I won't stop now

_ When he looked down at her,  she almost smiled at the sparkle in his eyes and  he could have sworn his heart skipped a beat. _

_ Their eyes never strayed from each other as they moved about, both captivated by the other’s alluring gaze. She looked up at him with such tender eyes and her usual impassive face now held a soft smile that shined a rare light of happiness to her features.  _

__

_ Carrie simply could not stop staring. _

__

_ Not at the man whose hand was holding hers, so solid and strong, his grip so sure that she could imagine he would never let her go. _

__

_ It was all so unforgettable, so unbelievable, so unlike her wildest dreams. She was seeing colors in full, colors she’d only perceived before as pale imitations of the real thing.  _

__

_ And even so, all of it paled before the man beside her. _

__

_ She could see the deep, soft blue of his shirt. She could see the dark, rich brown of his hair, the way that the light gave it a faint reddish cast. She couldn’t quite see the color of his eyes, only that they were dark, but knowing that that was because of the dim lighting rather than any fault of her own vision made it almost as though she could. He was so close, she could smell the faint remains of his cologne. _

__

_ Even the things she could have noticed before—the height and breadth of him, the contours of his face, the smile that seemed to linger at the corner of his lips, the beard just barely touching the line of his jaw, the confidence of the way he moved—seemed more important now, lingering in her notice more sharply and clearly than they might have before. Every second that passed seemed to have a weight, each stolen moment here suddenly was all the more precious. _

__

_ Because the most wonderful thing—the most terrible thing—that could have happened tonight had happened.  _

__

_ Here, against all odds, against all reason, Carrie was dancing with him. _

__

_ It was magical. _

__

_ It was awful. _

__

_ Because she couldn’t have him, not truly. Why was he making her feel like that? _

_ They danced slowly together in peaceful mode as Yevgeny guided her gracefully around the small space they had. There were no people around, or prying eyes. It was just the two of them dancing alone in each other’s embrace. Glancing down to see Carrie’s own relaxed demeanor, he could tell she shared the same sentiment, bringing about a content smile from him. _

_ “I feel like we’re at a high school dance,” she stated, sounding a little breathless even to her own ears.  _

_ “Let me guess,” he said, smirking down at her. “You’re the preppy girl with the tight ponytail. I’m the bad boy your parents warned you about.” _

_ Her mind stalled out briefly at the reference to her parents. “I was never preppy,” she told him after a while. Her voice is so low he had to bend his head a bit closer to hear her. _

_ “What were you then?” ,he asked.  _

_ “I was the bad girl who kicked the bad boy's ass,” she said with a sly smile.  _

_ He widened his eyes at her. “Why am I not surprised?”  _

_ “Be careful, I’m still that bad girl!” She said as a playful warning.  _

__

_ Her cheeks were already flushed, eyes glassy, and he saw it again. That look in her eyes. The wish. It cracked his chest open like a walnut. Swallowing the lump in his throat, he kept his voice smooth and unwavering as he finally said “I admire bad girls. You.” _

__

_ He wanted to take it back immediately, the way it made her freeze in his arms. He heard a slight tremor when she released the breath she was holding, and it was enough for him to know how his words affected her. _

__

_ "Oh," she said finally, her fingers nervously, slightly tapping in his shoulder. She looked down for a long time, for so long that he started thinking it’d be better if she didn’t look back up.  _

__

_ "It is what it is,” she said to his chest, and then she looked up at him, her eyes locking onto his like she was daring him to challenge her. “I mean, it can't be anything else. Okay?" _

__

_ What was he supposed to say? Yes it can, and you know it? Don't you feel this shit in your chest too when you're with me? Don't you know it is not never this easy? _

__

_ He pulled her toward him with a firm hand on her waist, and the breath left her body at the—still respectable, but suddenly seeming inconsequential—decreased distance between them. “I wish we had met under different circumstances.” _

__

_ The words were low and seductive, but his voice was oddly hoarse, as if he had felt it, too. That magical moment of connection. How the gravity pulls on each other. _

__

_ A ghost of a smile danced across her lips from his words and she lightly squeezed his hand in silent acknowledgment. “Because what we have should have never happened.”, she murmured. _

__

_ As fate would have it, the faint sound of distant voices echoing from the stairwell below immediately caught their attention and broke the spell between them. Carrie blinked several times like someone waking from a pleasant dream. She pulled away slightly and his brows furrowed in disappointment. Upon suddenly realizing what would nearly happen, he stepped away from her. This was clearly not a situation he wished to be trapped in. If his people caught him dancing with the enemy, he would never hear the end of it. _

__

_ Not a word was spoken as they awkwardly stood next to each other, blushing away and refusing to meet the other’s gaze. Yevgeny coughed in his hand, a vain attempt to ignore the endless rapid pounding in his heart. Though confused as they both were, he knew this was neither the time nor place to stand idle as the sound of approaching footsteps could be heard drawing ever closer by the second. _

__

_ “It's dinner time.” She murmured, looking at him. _

__

_ With a deep breath, he forced his rampant mind to calm down. In a matter of seconds, he  reached his cell phone on the table, paused the music and put the phone into the pocket of his jeans. _

__

_ “Well, I’m leaving now.” he said with a wink. She couldn’t hold back a smile. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is one of the first chapters I began to write for this story. I know, I'm too romantic but I believe this dance might have happened. Because, who can resist a dance with Yevgeny???  
> The song is the one with which I made a video edit two days ago, click [here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8olUFZ40JW4). Well, I made it for this chapter.  
> If you liked this chapter I suggest you reread it while playing that song. 😉  
> I want to know your thoughts :)


	19. Things Left Unsaid

> Day 154
> 
> What to say. Omega came at midnight and told me I will go back to the asylum tomorrow. I’m shocked, I don’t want to go there anymore. I don’t know what to think, why they decided this way. Omega didn’t tell me anything else other than he was sorry. Apparently he blamed himself, he told me he tried to help, or maybe this was all part of an act. I don't know what to believe anymore, I’m tired of thinking. But when he held me close, I saw it, it was still there, in his eyes. I knew what it was now. It was too much. It would hurt him. But still it was there. 

_ ~~~~~~~~~~ Back to the asylum ~~~~~~~~~~ _

_ Carrie was  trying to sleep when she heard the sound of the door opened. She lifted her head to see who was there. _

_ “Yevgeny?! What are you doing here in the middle of the night?”, she sat up slowly, her eyes catching the low light. _

_ “It’s nice to see you too.” He laughed, a soft exhale and then continued “No, really, I need to talk to you.”  _

_ She could smell the faintest linger of the nicotine and alcohol from his breath. He stared at her. His eyes were dark, stormy. She braced herself.  _

_ Yevgeny took a chair and sat down in front of her. He put his elbows on his knees and let his chin rest on his hands. He looked at her for a few minutes, he was observing her, he was staring at her with an insistent gaze. His look started to be embarrassing. She wriggled a little to eliminate this discomfort.  _

_ “So, are you done staring at me?” She finally broke the silence. _

_ “Why are you doing this?” He asked in a relatively calm tone. “Answer me!”, his voice a bit louder and obviously he was waiting for an answer.  _

_ She sighed. “Doing what?”, she asked, seeing that remaining silent wasn’t a good idea. But he didn’t respond and she stood up straight out of bed to walk. _

_ “Don’t fuck with me!” He stood up abruptly from his chair and Carrie gave a little jolt of fear and surprise. He approached her fast, took her arms to immobilize her and stared at her. She started to get a little scared but she didn’t move, she didn’t dare to. _

_ Gentle fingers brushed her arm as  he released his grip. “Carrie!” _

_ His hand came up, hesitating for just a second before his thumb brushed along her cheekbone, before he cupped the side of her face. For a moment, Carrie thought he was going to kiss her, but he just gave her a sad smile and whispered, “ Why do you make me feel that, huh?!” _

_ She lowered her head and flushed but she didn’t have an answer for that. She reached her hand out and placed it on his chest.  She hit him with her fist, not hard, but enough to emphasize her words.  “Yevgeny…I…You should go…”  _

_ He stood there, stunned at her reaction, but also understanding her feelings. _

_ "C'mon Carrie, help me out here. I'm opening my fucking heart for you. Tell me how you feel, right here, right now.” _

_ Even in the low light she could see the way his eyes darken as they stuttered over her face, the way they focused on her mouth. “I ... I feel ... like the ground beneath me is going to open up and swallow me whole ... but I'm not scared because …”  _

_ He tilted his head and Carrie remembered how to breathe again. “Because?” _

_ Her breathing became rapid once again. “Because I know that you'll catch me.” _

_ Reflectively, his arms wrapped around her middle, holding her close.  Her eyes closed briefly and she leaned into the touch. _

_ “I’m so sorry,” she suddenly heard. The softness of his voice startled her eyes open. _

_ “What?” _

_ “This...all of this, is my fault.” His eyes were a little more unfocused, and she could tell he was more drunk than she previously thought. _

_ “What? Yevgeny, no-“ _

_ “It’s my fault,” he emphasized. “I really tried to help you, but I couldn't.” _

_ His thumb was drifting up and down the side of her neck, as if he were trying to gently comfort her. If it had been some other time, she would’ve shied away from such an intimate touch; but at this moment, her only concern was the raw pain in his voice, the piercing regret emanating from his eyes.  _

_ She tried to catch his eyes. “You helped me, you did, okay?” _

_ “No, no... you don’t understand…” he groaned loudly, shaking his head. “And I’m not allowed to tell you.” _

_ “No, I do. I understand. Okay? I do.” She was stepping back, but his hands reached again for her waist, gripping her so she wouldn’t move. _

_ “Carrie.” _

_ He sounded so pained, as if this had been haunting him for some time. Half of her was shocked he cared enough to be bothered by what happened to her. The other half of her was feeling emotional and overwhelmed- from this. _

_ “I am so sorry.” He closed his eyes and leaned down to embrace her, his head rested on her shoulder. _

_ She couldn’t help but fall forward into his embrace, slipping her arms underneath his leather jacket. She could feel him shudder against her. She said nothing.  _

_ “I’m so sorry,” he repeated, muffled into her hair. For a moment, his lips pressed lightly behind her ear. She stiffened, unsure how to respond. Maybe he slipped? But, no—he hadn’t. It happened again, this time a little lower, a delicate kiss pressed to the edge of her jaw. “I’m so sorry.” _

_ “Yevgeny—” she started, but her breath caught. His lips moved under her jaw, slowly making his way down the side of her neck. The tiny voice of reason that remained in her was yelling at them to stop, before this became something they would regret later. _

_ “Hey, it’s okay. Really. You shouldn’t...this is...Dangerous. This is dangerous.”, she tried to say. _

_ She could feel his breath on her neck. “No it’s not okay. You are going back.” _

_ She pulled away from him with a surprised look on her face and said, her lips curling into a smile, “Where? In the U.S? Did you make a deal for my release?”  _

_ “No, not yet.” He said without looking at her. _

_ Her smile faded. “Then where...” _

_ He looked at her a little sadly, his eyes moving across her body. “Tomorrow, I will take you back to the asylum.” _

_ Carrie didn’t believe it. She lost her words. She still tried to say something, “Wh-What?”  _

_ He had absolutely no clue what to say or do. _

_ “Will you take my meds again?” she asked with a sigh. _

_ “I’m sorry,” he murmured. _

_ “No! I can’t go there again. I’m not!” She stepped back from him. _

_ He took her wrist to comfort her, “Carrie, I--” He began to talk to her but she cut him off. She looked at him and got free from his grip violently. _

_ “No! Don’t touch me!”, she shouted. Her eyes were wide, tears were about to flow. _

_ He insisted, “Carrie... I tried to help...”  _

_ “I don't need your help! Fuck off! Leave me alone!”  She yelled, right in his face, her eyes shining with something that he knew she only wished was anger. He stood shocked in front of her, but he didn’t move. _

_ “Get out! Leave me the fuck alone!” She screamed and immediately approached to push him violently. “Go away, I don’t need you.”  _

_ She burst into tears and walked away to go to the bathroom, slamming the door behind her. She let go completely. She cried all the tears in her body.  _

_ After a moment, her eyes fell on the bottle of pills. She did not take her eyes off it. She thought again and again where she would go. Her feelings were mixed once again in her head. These things, she could use them for something else. The idea gradually blossomed in her mind. _

_ She took out a dozen tablets in her hand. She stopped again to contemplate them. She thought again. Would she be brave enough to do it? She raised her head and looked at her reflection in the mirror. She had the courage to do it once, she would have the strength to do it again, the last one... _

_ She raised her head and put a tablet in her mouth. Then she heard a knock at the door. _

_ “Carrie! C’mon, get out!” She heard his voice from the other side of the door. _

_ She lowered her head and spat the medication. She dropped the others in the sink. She opened the tap and the pills disappeared. She leaned over the sink and rubbed her face with the water. She tried to gather her thoughts.  _

_ Carrie walked to the door to leave but stopped after laying her hand on the handle. Yevgeny was in the other room. But she didn’t want to see him, though a part of her was eager to open the door and jump into his arms, crying all the tears in her body. She felt like only he could get her out of this state. She let go of the handle and turned her back to the door. She slid down the door to curl up on the floor. She had not even the strength to cry, she stood there, doing nothing, as if it was going to fix things. _

_ She knew it would end up like this. That was the exact reason she didn't want to get close to him at first. She figured him helping her out would cause more problems than needed. He could make her see him in any way he pleased. Like her assets, every single person she had ever brought in had been affected in the same way, this is all a ritual process. None of the emotions he showed was real. Was any of this... true?  _

_ This was so much to process. Had he faked everything? Had he just used her to fulfill his country's needs? Nothing she had felt was... real? The feeling of safety, the genuine happiness shared between them, the unspoken mutual bond?  _

_ She was... upset at least. No one has made her feel like that so fast, but maybe it was only because of an artificial catalyst. With that fact in mind, she realized he had been a lie. Weren’t they supposed to behave like enemies now? _

_ Long minutes went by before she stood up. She faced the door again. It was useless to stay here, she had to face it, face him... She put her hand on the handle. She exhaled heavily and turned it. The door opened slowly. She left the bathroom, head down. Yevgeny was sitting in a chair just in front of her. A light smoke filled the room, he was smoking. When he noticed her he raised his head to look at her. _

_ She turned her head to the side, unable to look at him as she walked towards the bed. She tried to keep a steady breath and hold back her tears. _

_ “Come here,” he said slowly. _

_ Carrie stopped, finally raised her head to look at him. His expression was neutral. He gestured for her to come to sit in the other chair next to him. She hesitated a few seconds before doing so. She gently sat in the chair. However, she stayed as far as possible from him. She lowered her head again and let her hands rest on her thighs, motionless. _

_ Yevgeny moved his chair to get closer to her. She didn’t move. He pulled a cigarette out for her, but she shook her head.  _

_ “You good?” he asked, watching her closely. _

_ She began to nod, but then she stopped herself. “You know what, no- I’m not fucking good.”  _

_ “I’m sorry.”, he murmured. _

_She shook her head and scoffed, bitter. “Don't tell me you're sorry. I don't believe a word.” She stopped a few seconds before speaking again. “Sometimes I feared that I'd gotten way too deep trusting in you. And some days…” She paused, taking in a deep breath. Tears formed at the corner of her eyes. He reached to wipe them away, but she shied away until he drew back. She shuddered. “And some days I worried that you’re not who you say you are. That one day you’re gonna tell me everything was a lie and you’ll stab me in the back and-- that day came.”_

_ He ran his hand over his face tiredly. “I’m such an idiot.” _

_ Carrie finally looked at him. Her eyes were bloodshot. She was a mess. She was beautiful. He wanted to watch her, to help her, to touch her. Now is not the fucking time, he scolded himself, and locked the feeling away.  _

_ “Tell me the truth Yevgeny, did you plan this? To hurt me?”, she sounded quite out of breath. _

_ He took a drag from his cigarette and let the smoke escape in a light cloud. “No, I didn’t.” _

_ “Then why?!” He didn’t respond right away and she could sense the guilt in his eyes. _

_ It came in his mind the meeting he had done some hours ago, when he almost yelled at Mirov to convince him not to take Carrie back to the asylum. He had wanted to make this meeting as brief as possible, the others could have been around the corner at any moment. Besides, he didn't want it to be awkward, but it had come this way. He had tried to get out what he wanted to say, but when he had been asked if she could be an asset in the future, he had answered an unsure yes. All he wanted was his payoff, but the thought that he might have to hurt her to get it made him seriously consider just giving up. But it had been too late. They decided her fate that way and he couldn’t do anything to change it. Besides that, he was ordered to stay away from her. He had tried to hold a conversation like nothing had happened between the two of them. He was honestly annoyed with how much he cared about her. It was really making his job harder for him.  _

_ Then he ended up finding a small bar to get himself a drink, then two, three, until he couldn’t remember how much he had drunk. He could just forget about her and could go on in his way. And how was he supposed to forget about someone like her? All he kept thinking about was how it was his fault she was even here. He was the one that roped her into all this, if anything happened to her, the fault would be on him. And the fact that she was still crying next to him became harder and harder to hide. Even besides that, he just... didn't want to see her hurt. Was it so wrong for him to not want someone he cared about to not get hurt? Why did she matter so much? _

_ He wondered if he could put all of this into words, like she deserved, or even any of it at all. He was not sure he could. At least not right now that his head was spinning.  _

_ Maybe that didn’t seem to matter now, so he just looked into her eyes, his cigarette forgotten, fading down to ash between his fingers. “I told you, it’s my fault.”  _

_ She tried to wipe her tears with the back of her hand and asked, “How long am I supposed to stay there?” _

_ “I don’t know, two weeks, one month? Depends on your side, until you get released.” he tried to explain. _

_ A long silence followed. _

_ “And you aren’t going to see me anymore, are you?” She hadn’t realized how much the thought scared her until she said it out loud. She was afraid that she would never see him again. But at the same time, it almost felt... wrong to want to see him again. _

_ He didn’t dare to answer. She took a deep breath. “Please, can you just..leave me alone.” _

_ He got up and left without saying anything. She was still shocked. She caught her breath slowly, staring at the door with a bewildered look. After a while, she burst into tears again. She sat down on the floor, leaning against the wall. She curled, bringing her legs to her chest and wrapped her arms around them to hold them as tight as she could. She looked up and inhaled a large amount of air. She tried to calm down again. _

_ She didn’t know for how long she cried, curled up in a corner of the room. A long time, for sure. She was no longer crying. Her senses had got the upper hand on her anger again. She was realizing her behavior. She was realizing what had just happened. Like getting out of a dream. But the dream was real.  _

_ She couldn’t go back. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you think? 🙈


	20. Don't leave me

> Day 155
> 
> It’s early morning, I couldn't sleep all night. I think this is the last time I write in this notebook, I don’t want to keep it in the asylum. I don’t want to write about my times when I will go insane.
> 
> I was thinking about all this, what is going to happen next, if I will survive after all this. Maybe this is the punishment of my past decisions, of what I am or what I have done. 
> 
> I wish I could stop myself
> 
> From always being a tornado
> 
> But it's stronger than I am
> 
> And I'm always left with the damage I cause

Carrie closes her eyes, hot tears streaming down her face. Her hands shake. Her heartbeat quickens at an inhuman rate. Her free hand curls into a fist, her nails dig so deep into her palm she swears she can feel blood. She takes a moment to breathe.

She doesn’t know what she feels: relief, embarrassment, weakness, or maybe a mix of all these. She realizes how much Yevgeny was present there, or was this only in her fucking mind? She still doesn’t know. She almost forgets the fact that Yevgeny has read this notebook. But now she starts to understand his behavior towards her. The smile in his face when he walked out of the G’ulom office. Or why he wanted to pick up where they left off.

  
  


***

A day later, she receives a call. She sits at the sofa, a cup of coffee in her hand, and watches the phone vibrate, Yevgeny’s name prominent on the caller ID.

Taking another sip of coffee, she debates whether to answer it. It’s a conversation Carrie doesn’t want to have on the phone, but she doesn’t want to answer either. So she waits.

In the end, she lets it go to voicemail.

  
  
  


_~~~~~~~~~~ Back to the asylum ~~~~~~~~~~_

_Carrie closed her eyes and tried to sleep but the thoughts of what was going to happen to her afterwards kept her awake. In that moment, she wished to be injected with some barbiturate in order to tranquil her deranged mind._

_She had her eyes closed but her mind wide awake when she heard the sound of the door click open. Her eyes shot open and she looked at the door with dark eyes, fear hidden behind them._

_Yevgeny stood in the doorway, dressed in all black. “You have to come now.”, he said to her._

_Carrie shivered at the sound of his voice and slowly sat up, placing her feet barely on the floor. She paled, her eyes flashed with terror. She started to shake. She never thought that she would ever want to stay in this room so desperately. This was a nightmare. It was not real._

_He approached and crouched down in front of her and grasped her shoulders. It was real. It was a living nightmare._

_“Look, I apologize for yesterday, I wasn’t...”_

_“Yourself?”, she cut him off. She looked at him with those wide eyes of her, searching him for answers she knew she would never get verbally._

_Well, that could be debated, he thought. “We have to go.”, he murmured to her._

_She didn’t protest when he helped her to her feet._

_“Hey, soon you will be free, we will arrange an exchange for your release.”, he said, encouraging her to be stronger._

_“An exchange? A trade for who?” she asked, like she awoke from the nightmare._

_He just looked at her for a few seconds.“That is none of your affair!”, he finally said. "Isn't that what you want?" He asked playfully._

_"Is that what you want?" She was serious._

_"Carrie..." his teasing demeanor sombered. He was about to tell her something when an agent interrupted._

_“Sir, we are ready to move.”_

_Yevgeny nodded. "We will follow." He turned to Carrie, he leaned down and whispered, "It is not what I want. But I don’t want either for you to go there.” He didn’t want to spell the name of the place where she was going._

_She swallowed hard and started to walk. “Wait!”, she patted her pockets and looked around the room._

_“Your notebook is there.” He inched her head in the direction of her notebook on the table._

_She reached it out and handed it to Yevgeny. “Take it.”_

_“You sure? You can keep it.” he replied._

_“No, I don’t want to write anymore.”_

_He put it in one of his pockets. They made their way to the hallway._

_When Yevgeny ushered her in the car, he realized he hadn't put the handcuffs on her. Anyway that didn't matter now._

_They rode quietly for an hour before they arrived at the asylum. They walked in the front door and stopped at the first door in the hallway. A woman approached them and handed Carrie a small pile of clothing, telling her to enter the room._ _Then, when she didn’t move, Yevgeny took Carrie by the arms and turned her around, encouraging her to take steps toward the room. “Go and get dressed._ _I’ll still be here when you’re ready.”, he said softly._

_She didn’t protest and walked in. She looked around the room and put the outfit on. However, once she put the shoes on, she realized where she was. Anyway she didn't think any longer and left the room._

_Yevgeny was there, waiting for her. They walked in the hallway. Her eyes traced the hallway, like she was taking it in for the first time. Several times, he looked at her, worried. He sweared, for a short moment, she had no idea who he was. It was just a fraction of a second, really, but still, he caught the flicker of confusion that passed through her eyes. He stopped and she turned to face him._

_"Go ahead," he whispered, touching her arms in a fond gesture that meant goodbye._

_She stared into his eyes, hers pleading, his longing. He swallowed hard, gathering the strength to let her go. She held his gaze a second more, just long enough for him to see her eyes bloom with tears before she turned and slowly stepped away._

_Her steps faltered and she abruptly turned on him, saying under her breath, “Stay!”_

_“I can’t.”, he replied._

_“Please don’t leave me.”_

_He shook his head, “I have to go.”_

_“Stay, don’t go...” She pressed into the warmth of his chest._

_Reflectively, he wrapped his arms around her, holding her close. One of his hands found its way to the back of her head, his fingers tangling with her hair. She wrapped her arms into his._

_“Don’t leave me, don’t leave me, stay. Stay!” She begged but he said nothing, he only stroked her hair. His heart was beating at an unhealthy pace. His blood was on fire as she clung to him. He swallowed as he rested his chin on the top of her head._

_Suddenly two men caught her arms from behind and forced her to pull away from Yevgeny._

_“No, no, nooo!”, she shouted and tried to get free from their grip. “You can’t leave me here, you can’t leave me here! Nooo, Don't gooo!”, she screamed. With tears streaming down her face she watched Yevgeny, as he began to disappear down the hallway._

_***_

_Back in his own apartment, Yevgeny dropped the damning notebook on the couch. He took a deep breath, not surprised when it came out in a shudder. His heart was racing, and his eyes flashed about. He didn't know what he expected to read, but he would not be surprised when he found nothing._

_He walked to the minibar and filled himself a glass. Eventually, he sat down on the couch with a sigh. The glass, an anchor in his hand, he covered his face with the other hand. Tapping a knuckle on his lips, his eyes flitted to the notebook. He shuffled his features, and reached out to the notebook again._

_He swallowed, put the drink on the table and opened the notebook to a random page. Her handwriting was precise and well-designed._

> _However the thing I find most striking are his eyes, even when he isn’t smiling his eyes make you feel like he is. There is definitely something seductive about him._

_A scream got stuck in his throat, waiting for his mouth to open so it might be released into the too quiet space. But he swallowed it down instead and rubbed his eyes. Was this what she had written about? About him?! He took a moment to process all this._

_He picked up his glass, took a deep swig and, as the liquid coursed down and warmed him, he sank back against the couch, opened her journal to the first page and started reading in earnest._

_He read the first pages and snorted quietly, agreeing with her assessment of him in those early days._

> _I will call him Omega. 1.16, 1.25, 1.51, 1.61, 2.10, 2.16, 2.27_

_So, she is an Alpha and he is an Omega. Yeah, right, what a smart badass, he thought. He looked at the numbers but he wanted to read more. He grinned and flipped another page._

> _There was a tenderness in his hands and in his eyes, a measure of care and affection that I didn’t see there before. It drew me in. I just hope that one day I can have the courage to tell him how much he means to me here._

_Yevgeny was actually quite surprised by her confession. He would never have thought Carrie felt like that. He thought he wasn’t really important to her. She wasn’t to him… or was she…? He didn’t know. He didn’t know how he felt. He didn’t know how he felt about her. Or he knew… but he couldn’t accept it._

> _I have begun to realize we are more similar than we are different._

_She might have thought he didn’t know her, but he did. He might not know all her dirty secrets, but he knew the kind of person she was. He knew it in his bones. They were cut from the same cloth, him and Carrie. Two people stuck on the fringes of normalcy in different ways, both had different upbringings but walked a similar path. Two opposites yet also two halves of each other. Perhaps that was why he felt a strange connection with her..._

> _And yet, when my lungs filled with his scent, and his body warmth seeped through my clothes, there was this instant where something in my chest soared._

_He hadn’t expected her to be this explicit in her journal. A good thing he didn’t tell anybody about this. He couldn’t imagine what would happen if this notebook had been given to Mirov._

> _But when he held me close, I saw it, it was still there, in his eyes. I knew what it was now. It was too much. It would hurt him. But still it was there._

_He stiffened, last night, what the fuck he had done. His head was pounding. He pressed his fingers to his temples but it did nothing to alleviate the pain._

_“Goddamn you Carrie Mathison.”, he muttered under his breath. It was empty though, void of wrath or malice. He couldn’t blame her for his inability to keep his fucking mouth shut. And he couldn’t even say that she tempted him, he didn’t believe in temptation. Blaming her would do nothing except make him even weaker than before._

_He would never admit it out loud, but Yevgeny knew in his heart he was growing a slight sense of fondness for Carrie and started to enjoy her company more than he did at first. He mistook her for an easy target to chase away like so many others, but she never flinched when he glared at her and never showed fear when he threatened her. No matter how harsh he acted toward her, she continued to seek out his company, sit next to him, talk to him, and walk side by side with him. She even told him such intimate things about her daughter, to his astonishment._

_And while all this irked him in the beginning, he later realized she was just, in fact, comfortable around his presence...and knowing that made him happy for some reason._

_It troubled him to think someone so unpredictable could somehow reach the hidden parts of his heart. Since when did he let Carrie affect him in such a way? It frustrated him...and yet..._

_He flipped another page, the last one._

> _I wish I could stop myself_
> 
> _From always being a tornado_
> 
> _But it's stronger than I am_
> 
> _And I'm always left with the damage I cause_

_He stared at the page, at her life. He smiled at the thought that she's a natural disaster, and he’s a storm chaser caught in her wake._

_He closed the notebook, and put it on the table. He stared at it, for a long time. For what it holds, what it promises._

_He didn't want to think about what that means – what it means when someone starts to appreciate you._

_As much as he hated the thought of not seeing her again, he hoped she just would run away from all this. Oh, if it were that easy._


	21. Someone, Somewhere

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a bonus 😊

_ [The day of Carrie’s release] _

_ It wasn’t just any day. Today was the day. The one where Yevgeny desperately needed everything to fall into place. _

_ He was standing in his balcony, with his hands behind his back, his gaze lost. He wasn’t used to staying, doing nothing. Because when he was alone, he couldn’t help but think. To think of his whole life, all his memories, all his feelings, and he hated that. But today, Carrie was the one who filled his mind, only her.  _

_ A part of him wanted to see her, to see how she was, but he knew how fucked she was. The distance between him and her became increasingly and tortuously long, little by little the loneliness that he sometimes ignored now found itself hugging him by the shoulders whispering hurtful words.  _

_ When did time start to feel so slow? When did loneliness come to mind? He let out a sigh, he noticed how he squeezed his hands behind him, he softened his grip and closed his eyes for a moment as if making a wish and then slowly opened them. He would turn around to go back to his room, forget about everything and pretend nothing had ever happened. Why couldn’t he just forget her? What was the truth behind his curiosity? _

_ He couldn't shake her from his mind. _

_ Days blended into weeks, and she was still there, hovering at the edges of his mind like a dream he couldn't fully remember. _

_ He tried not to think about her, which was next to impossible. His mind wandered there sometimes, when he was too tired to stop it, and he dived back into the memories of their dance, the image of her genuine smile as they danced. It made the breath catch in his throat like it was still waiting for her to come back. _

_ More often, though, he slipped back into recalling snippets of their conversations or remembered little things about her last night, like how she always seemed to know how he was, how he felt, her eyes pegging on him. He knew that was different. He saw something in the way she looked at him. She looked at him like she knew who he was, and she was okay with it. Like she was wishing for something, like she was curious about him. And how she listened to him talk like she actually gave a fuck about what he was saying.  _

_ That was the stuff that got him. He didn’t know what to do with the shit he felt when he thought about it. _

_ He didn’t tell a soul about what happened. He didn’t need anyone asking questions or making comments about her that he knew would make him feel things he didn’t want to feel — protective, defensive, ready to lay anyone out who talks shit about her. _

_ So he tried to redirect, to make himself see the good in it. Maybe it meant he wasn’t such a lost cause. Maybe there was someone out there for him after all. Another Carrie Mathison. A less complicated version. _

_ But he likes complicated.  _

_ Did he miss her? Yeah, fine—he missed her. But he was annoyed that he missed her. _

_ And every now and then, she creeped into his mind when he was stopped in traffic or waiting in line at the grocery store or sucking down his last smoke of the day. In the restless nights she was the last thing in his mind. Her eyes, her smile, her curves, her voice. _

_ The roiling mix of emotions compelled him to physically move, to do something, to get his focus out of his head and back on his body. He jammed a hand deep into his jacket pocket. He almost never smoked anymore, but he wanted to go through the motions of grabbing the carton, selecting a cigarette, lighting it up. He’d forgotten to bring a pack with him—but there was something else inside the pocket, something else. He yanked it out. _

_ Fuck. _

_ The notebook. He had read it that day and shoved it into his jacket pocket, where it stayed all these weeks—kept close but rarely looked at. _

_ If he wanted something to distract him from the mess swirling around his head, his chest, his stomach, this sure as shit was not it. It was about as far away from a distraction as he could’ve possibly gotten, instead drawing his focus like a laser beam to the sensations screaming inside him, demanding acknowledgement. _

_ Fucking fine. Fine. Maybe if he thought about it, he could breathe regularly again. Maybe he’d miss her less. This was the first time he had actually gotten to reflect on these feelings, and he could only come to one unsure conclusion: was he in love? _

_ Everything was even clearer than the water on the surface. _

_ At the realization, he felt his body relax. The relentless churning in his stomach stopped. The buzzing in his head quieted. He regained a semblance of the calm he sought in coming to the balcony in the first place. He stretched his arms, testing how much tension was still there. He rolled his shoulders back, took a deep breath. Fuck, he felt…better? He scoffed. How goddamn annoying. _

_ Unbeknownst to her, miles away from her Yevgeny was pondering his next move. He knew he was to wait some time to see her again, but he knew that if she would go back in business again, he would find a way to get in touch with her.  _

_ “I will find you.” he muttered under his breath. _

_ It’s a fool’s hope to ever believe she could love him back. _

_ More fool he for letting himself fall in love, in the first place. _

_ He didn't want to think anymore, because thinking is not what love is about. Love is about feeling. _

_ And he was not sure how much more feeling he could take. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was short but I wanted to write (again! 🙄😅) about Yevgeny’s thoughts. I want to suggest to rewatch the season 8 after these chapters because every gesture and word from Yevgeny now has a new dimension and more meaning 😊, at least for me. Last chapter is about the time in present, very soon. 😉


	22. What I know

Carrie is lying on the sofa when she hears a trio of rapping knocks. She discards the warm throw blanket onto the sofa, and scrambles to the entryway. She opens her front door, only to find Yevgeny on the other side.

“Uh, hi.”

“Hello.”

There is an awkward pause where they both stare at each other.

“May I, may I come in?”

Carrie shakes herself and backs away from the door. “Yeah, sorry. Come on in.”

It’s been three days since she’s seen him last, since he came that morning and gave her the notebook. She has no idea what his reaction has been when he has read it and she’s been too afraid to check the voice messages left on her phone.

“You haven’t answered any of my calls,” he says, voice quiet, eyes still on hers.

She laughs, a little. “Do you blame me?”

They lapse into silence. Carrie fights the urge to bite her lip, nervous about why he has come. “ Want some wine?” she offers.

He nods and sits down on the sofa next to her blanket, where she has been resting. His eyes catch the notebook on the table. She returns from the kitchen, holding two glasses of wine. She hands one to him and sits down in the sofa chair, in front of him. She drinks from her glass, inspecting the liquid swirling within. She doesn’t know what to say to him.

He takes a sip from the glass and looks at her. “So, did you read it?” 

She sighs but doesn’t answer. That alone is enough for him to know that she did. She stands up and steps to the sofa to pick up the blanket next to him. 

"Hey," he grabs her hands and pulls her so she is standing between his knees. She doesn't pull away, but she keeps her eyes firmly on the window behind him.  “You can't ignore me forever, Carrie.” He frowns and moves his head so she will have to look at him. Her small hands are cold and clammy in his. There are dark circles under her eyes. He wants her to stop what she is doing. He wants to wrap her up with the blanket and force her to nap while he watches over in the dark corner in her room. 

"I know," she relents, embarrassed, softening her gaze and finally meeting his eyes.

“And I'm worried--”

“I’m sorry--”

They both stop, mid-sentence.

Her eyes feel hot, but she blinks back the threat of tears. “I’m sorry I can’t remember those days.”

“It’s okay. It isn’t your fault.”, he squeezes her hands before letting them go.

She sits down beside him. “And I put my own fears first, before talking to you.”

He looks at her, brows raised in question, “What fears?” He turns a little so they can talk.

Carrie snorts, “That all I have written in that notebook was only in my mind.”

He shakes his head, “You know--”

“I don’t know anything.”, she cuts him off and Yevgeny makes a face. 

“You think I would give it to you if it wasn’t true?”, he asks but continues when she doesn’t answer, “Look, I don’t know how much of those you wrote you really felt, but these things happened, I was there.”

She lets out a long drawn out sigh. He speaks again with kindness and concern.

“Talk to me Carrie, please. I can't help if I don't know what's going on with you.”

“I feel like I don’t exist.” She says after a while, her voice barely above a whisper. “I feel like I died, and now I’m a ghost.” 

Everything about the moment suddenly feels raw and open and honest, as if she’s trying to feed him a piece of her soul.

“You exist to me.”

“Do I?” Carrie looks at him, her eyes bright, and he nods.

“Yes,” he whispers, a declaration and a promise all at once.

She was quiet, but eventually, she took a deep breath, “You know how much of a screw up I am Yevgeny.”

He pauses for thought at her words. “I'd say no more of a screw up than me.”

She frowns with a shake of her head.

He tilt his head to catch her eyes, “Hey, why are you pushing me away? Huh?” 

“Because it's better that way ... for everyone. For me.” she replies, her voice both confused and sad.

His eyebrows draw together in frustration. “You're afraid. Afraid that if you get too close then what you have will disappear right in front of you. You're placing blame on yourself for all the bad shit that happens in life and do you want to know why?”

Her eyes begin brimming with tears as she casts her sight to the floor at her feet, bottom lip quivers, her body trembles at his harsh but true words.

“Because you feel sorry for yourself. It's as simple as that Carrie. Believe me, I know those feelings all too well.”

She giggle-cries, but her eyes remain rooted to the spot. “You're better at this than I thought.”

“Carrie, look at me.”

She does as he says with a forlorn look.  He wants to tell her everything, the ones he never got around to voicing out loud; He wants to open his mouth and spit his heart into her hands, because that's where it is anyway, one way or another. He has so many things to say he can't even find a starting place, so he stares at her for a few moments. 

“I need you,” he admits, and it’s too much vulnerability exposed, uttered from his mouth. It’s the truth, hideous in its nakedness. “I think you need someone as well,” he ventures further.

“Maybe,” comes her reply, voice breaking on the second syllable, and he can see the distress rolling off her shoulders like a rock slide, violent and loud until she breaks. She’s not as strong as she wishes. But she’s still surviving. It is what she realizes when his fingers curl around her palm, a wordless promise for her future.

His chest is swelling with something wild and probably misguided and stupid, hope unfolding where it has no business growing. Fuck, this is gonna hurt when it flames out and dies. But right now it's worth the chance to imagine he's wrong. He can pretend this might have legs, that maybe she'll feel like he does someday. He’s okay with maybe.

She’s silent for a long time. Finally, she asks, “Did we really dance?”

“Yeah.” he smiles, but only the barest lift of his lips.

“Do you remember which song? Can you play it?”, she is just as surprised as he is by her question. He pulls out his phone from his pocket and plays the song.

“It doesn’t matter if you don’t remember, we can dance it again,” he says with a smile and reaches out to find her hand. When she nods, he nods back, as if bridging the understanding between them for the first time.

They stand up and in a magnetising pull, he ambles towards her slowly, his hand slides around her waist as hers moves to his shoulder.  They start with a comfortable distance between them, but as the song plays, Carrie finds herself drawing closer to him.  His fingers tighten around her waist and she closes her eyes. She feels him smile against her temple before his lips move to her ear and he whispers, “That day, while we danced I told you I wish we met under different circumstances.” 

Suddenly, she has a flash, which reminds her of something. “Because what we have should have never happened.” she says, looking in his eyes.

“How...I thought you didn’t remember,” he says, sounding a little surprised.

“I didn’t.”

He moves his hand further up her back and she sighs. “But you do now?”

Carrie nods. He presses her closer to him, giving her time to pull away. Instead, she rests her head on his chest like it belongs there. She can feel his heart beating steady and strong in his chest. He tightens his grip around her. He’s warm and she can’t help but close her eyes and breathe in the scent of him, a subtle mixture of soap and cologne. She tries to memorize this moment, pressed against him.  For the first time here, she feels safe. 

“I forgot how good it feels to be held by you.”  Her words are barely more than breath against his chest.

He swallows as he rests his chin on her head and closes his eyes when she sighs. They sways together, completely in time, completely in tune with each other. 

The music is dying out. It feels like they have danced together for hours. And yet it isn’t enough. She pulls away slightly and looks in his eyes.

He reaches out to touch the curve of her jaw, and he thinks he feels her pulse quicken beneath his fingertips. He can hear the persistent beat of his heart, his eyes catching on her lips. He can feel her fingers trembling against the lapels of his jacket.

She bits her lip nervously, wondering for the next step. She doesn't want to think about anything else at the moment, just this. Just her and him. She leans up on her toes and brushes her lips against his. He endeavors to deepen the kiss, turning his head to get a better angle, his hand sliding to the nape of her neck to keep her close. She sighs against him, her fingers tangled in the cotton of his shirt.

A part of him almost wants to stop, but he can't; it just feels too good. Her hair in his hands, her slim body pressed against his…It all feels too soft to be Carrie.

“Carrie,” he breathes against her lips while he opens his eyes very slowly. Her eyes shine when they meet his, and the sparkle in them is far more than he has ever dared to dream about. She mumbles something, but he can’t understand it, barely sure they are even words. He sees it as an invitation to go on.

She helps him to take off his jackets, and she dives in, her fingers clumsily fumbling with the buttons of his shirt, and she laughs into his kiss at the ridiculous difficulty of removing his top while her eyes remain closed.

His fingers curl around the bottom of her blouse and raise it over her head. She lifts her arms, and he leverages his height to take the top off entirely, dragging the cotton fabric slowly over her arms, her elbows, her wrists.

She’s left in a black bra, there’s no turning back now. She’s just a little bit terrified. She leans up to his right ear, struggling on the edges of her toes. “Come with me,” she murmurs, taking his hand and leading him down the hallway to her bedroom. She closes the door behind them, and the mingling of their shallow breathing becomes the only sound.

She kisses him again, or he kisses her, it doesn’t matter, they come at each other with equal force. He unhooks her bra but keeps his hands safely on her hips as they kiss. She feels not only his hunger, but his restraint and his loneliness; senses he’s holding himself back from touching her the way he wants to. They get rid of the remaining clothes and jump onto the bed.

He crawls on top of her, gently, his eyes never leaving the contours of her face. She frames his face with her hands, and he turns his head to kiss her hand, his breath hot and wet on her palm. He lets his hands roam her body, kissing her in various places and making her moan into his touches. She welcomes him in, and cries out when he enters her.

He buries his face in her neck as he moves, her hands are on his back and she feels the muscles and his ribs moving under the skin. She’s never had a man move so slowly and tenderly inside her, as if he’s trying to stretch time into one never-ending moment where he might find a semblance of peace.

They come together in the aftermath of their passion, both spent, both breathing heavy, both smiling. Carrie allows herself, for a moment, to close her eyes and focus on the feeling of his warm skin against hers, his steady breathing, and let herself be happy. It’s more than a feeling of relief from built-up tension being released, or simply post-orgasmic bliss. It’s a feeling that this is right, that she’s right where she should be, secure in the knowledge that there’s somebody who wants to be with her, really wants to be with her, someone who sees her for who she truly is.

Carrie is lost to the world, and Yevgeny is her only constant.

***

Her eyes fluttered open, watching Yevgeny's chest visibly rise and fall. Seems he is just as worn out as she is. Carrie squeezes his hand and he smiles, though his eyes are closed. She can tell just from the lighting that it is just a little before dawn. The room is drenched in a soft, hazy blue. It makes everything feel cloudy and dream-like. Memories of last night rise to the forefront of her mind, and she immediately feels like she is flushed hot all over because it wasn’t a dream.

Here, lying next to him with her head resting on his chest, she lets out a long drawn out sigh. If she had been told a year ago that she would one day sleep with Yevgeny Gromov, GRU officer, she would have been shocked and said they were out of their mind. Yet, here she is now, in her room lying on her side, naked, next to him in bed. She would have never imagined herself here, but last night he made her happy and feel alive. She closes her eyes, and then feels Yevgeny shift beside her. She opens her eyes to find his head tilted towards her. 

He is staring at her like he is seeing her for the first time - like she is something miraculous. His eyes keep sliding closed before snapping back open, and it makes Carrie feel so soft, that he is fighting sleep just to look at her. And her heart grows softer still when he notices that she is awake, and an awed little smile curls across his lips.

“Hi,” she whispers, feeling so shy. “What are you doing up so early?”

“I don’t know.” he mumbles, and he looks equally as bashful. “Something just woke me up, and I – did I wake you?”

“I could feel you staring at me.”

That just makes Yevgeny look even more embarrassed, but he wraps his arms around her, and Carrie is so sleepy she can’t even feel embarrassed over being so honest.

“You're beautiful. You know that?”

She bits her lip and looks at him through her lashes, reaching up to touch his face with her fingertips.

“Yours,” she croaks out. It is most unlike her to be so sentimental and he isn't sure what to say so he holds her tightly to him, burying his face in the side of her neck and nuzzling the spot under her ear with his nose. He holds her in his arms for a while, one finger grazing up and down the outline of her hip sending her off to sleep. Once he is sure she is out for the count, he slides out the bed shifting the sheets, to get breakfast.

“I'm yours too,” he whispers as he leaves her in bed, taking one last look at her before he closes the bedroom door.

She knows he thinks she is asleep but she hears the door click shut and pulls the sheet around her further, snuggling into bed and smiling to herself. 

***

She has dozed off into a light sleep, feeling rested and content but still aware of the hum of traffic outside and the sound of his bare feet padding around in the apartment. Her eyes are still closed but she feels him come closer towards her and can’t help but smile and stretch her arms out to him, pulling his head down towards hers. He presses kisses along her collar bone but she can feel him smiling more and more as his mouth travels up her neck. She moves her head to allow him better access, and catches the smell of the fresh mug of coffee he holds in his hand for her. He balances it on the table before cradling one hand against her face, before tangling into her bed hair and sneaking his other hand under the sheets. She smiles into his kiss. His tongue tastes of coffee and she reaches up to pull him on top of her on the bed, causing him to laugh as he loses his balance.

“Morning… Again.”

“Morning yourself. Thanks for the coffee,” she nods her head towards the bedside table.

He lays diagonal half across the bed and clambers on, sitting next to her with his back against the headboard and taking her hand in his, lacing their fingers together. He nods, kissing the back of her hand. “So you slept well?”

“Yeah, pretty much I did,” she says with a smile. She takes sips of her coffee and closes her eyes, leaning her head back against the headboard. They stay like that for a while.

“I have to go now, duty is calling,” he says, raising his eyebrows. He lets go of her hand and gets up, and quietly puts his clothes back on. She relaxes back further against the headboard, still watching at him. He walks over to her and bends down to give her a soft kiss. “I--”, he laughs, a little nervous, and takes a second to think of his next words, “I left a note in your notebook, for you.” 

She doesn’t say anything, just feels his fingers through her hair, stroking the soft bit of skin behind her ear. “See you later,” he sighs and then leaves.

She gets up and walks through her apartment, squinting at the unwelcome intrusion of morning sunlight. She finds the notebook on the table in the living room and slowly, hesitantly, she reaches out and gently opens it. She flips through the pages to find his note.

> Day 337
> 
> My dear Alpha,
> 
> When I was a kid, I used to dream about growing up to a life like you see on TV, like in the movies, like the happy families. I wanted the pretty wife and the smiling kids. I would lie in bed at night and imagine it, my perfect, normal life, with my perfect, normal wife, and I am so glad you are not that person, I am so glad to have been wrong. Because there is nothing perfect about you, there has never been even one perfect thing about you; you are sharp and dangerous and fucked up, you are the most honest liar I have ever met and thank god, because I don't want you to be perfect and I don't want this to be perfect and I don't want us to be perfect. I want you to be as you are and I want this to be as it is and I want us to be the most honest lie I've ever told, because you are my best friend and my last straw and everything I could never have known I wanted, because I couldn't have dreamed you, I couldn't have even come close. 
> 
> And if that's too much I mean it anyway, and if it's not enough then tell me what will be. Tell me where I have to go or what I have to do, because I don't want to be a better person or a worse one, I just want to be your person, because you are enough for me and too much for me. 
> 
> What I know is that I will never stop loving you, no matter what happens, no matter the price.
> 
> 1.1, 2.4, 1.3, 1.51, 1.25, 1.16, 1.3, 2.25 
> 
> Your Omega

She’s trembling with barely restrained emotion, wiping the tears from the edges of her eyes.  She starts flipping through pages and finds out that what he has written is  I-l-o-v-e-y-o-u.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm SO emo that this is over, but this was super fun! I hope that this ending was satisfactory enough.
> 
> And now, I want to thank you 🙏 - all of you! When I started this story I had no idea what the hell I was doing or if anyone would like it. And the response I have gotten has been more than I ever dreamed of. I can't thank you all enough for the lovely comments and feedback!
> 
> A special thank you to all of you who spent the time to comment on Every Single Chapter. You all rock. ❤️❤️❤️❤️
> 
> As for the final time, comments and kudos are so loved and appreciated! 
> 
> Until next time! 😎


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